Your Stories, My Alibis
ask me to
tell me something so typical
a lullaby or something miserable
that will keep me up at night
cross out my eyes
i know you planned it
you know i love you
and i cant stand
we just lost control
we just lost control
lie away
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
lie away
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
go lie to me
tell me stories so beautiful
an epic of something so terriable
that it makes me weep
cross out these things
on the calendar
it hurts me so much
and im not sure
if i care any more
lie away
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
lie away
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth dying for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
[x2]
anything to keep me breathing
Sometimes I wonder what it's all for... Maybe I'm in a reality where it isn't even my reality. Doubting everywhere I step, trying leave my stepping stones behind me as I walk. Every step seems heavier then the last, dragging me down eternally. My past wont leave me be. Not even the horrible parts of it. The happy parts, the parts I long to have. The horrid events and memories I dont even drudge up anymore. I have not the energy to even mourn it anymore. I dont want to dwell. I'm desperate for anything. I'm making lists on why I shouldn't cut, snapping a rubber band against my cuts already made everytime I feel the urge, finding new ways to deal with emotions. I dont know whats working and whats not. I just.. I wouldn't know anymore. Seeing him last night killed me. Everyone saw my downfall in the middle of the night...it hit me everything that I had done. I had played actress to a game that I had let control me for too long. I let him ask me to forget and I didnt give up a fight. But everyone saw me bounce back.. sure .. Or atleast thats what they thought. I'm still living it. Every lie I've told, ever bitter word thats left my lips. Will he be the last person to ever truly love me, but even further more.. will he be the last person for me to damage after loving? I'm so afraid of hurting someone else the way I have him. I feel destructive. I feel like a curse. I took his heart and crumbled it in the palm of my hand without regret. Almost as a revenge for everything else that was going on in my life. misunderstandings.. mishaps... things that I dont think even now that I have the words to explain. I control if I cry. How sad is that? I have the ability to tell myself not to cry in the hardest of things. Because I know crying alone will resort to crying, and I never cry infront of people... with exception of two people. Its an unwanted display of emotion and attention. So now I have it that I cant cry normally. I couldnt cry if my mother died... I couldnt cry naturally... and that kills me. What dreadful sort of human have I become? That is an answer I dont think anyone has an answer to but myself.. And myself doesn't like me very much.. so I doubt answers will be given anytime soon.
I give you the gun. Blow. me. away.
But thats the thing. I dont want to die. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of everything that I've done that I wont come back, or even worse I will be sent back. Its a combination of almost every religion believable. Oh I dont know.
Run your knife through my heart, I've already crumbled yours to the ground.
Courtney