silentlylost's Diaryland Diary


Respect, Anger, and Infidelity

You don't get it. You don't. I can't just "get over" it. I can't just stop remembering the sound of your voice in my ear, the same voice that whispered to her. It's hard to sit here, alone in this apartment where you fucked her and betrayed me, and keep a silence on my thoughts. You act as if nothing has happened. As if it's all just a culmination of shit you can't change. You talk to me like you did before you slept with her. You act to me like you did before you slept with her. And after doing that to me, you're not ALLOWED to do any of these. But here I am, my own champion, the only person who will really look out for me-- constantly playing defense with you. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of reminding you how to talk to me with respect, to deal with the fact that I haven't gotten over you breaking my heart. The constant questioning. The anger. My sadness. If you can't cope with any of this, than why the hell did you stay? Why didn't you just ruin me, ruin our life, and leave? Why stay when you're just going to be the same? I can't stay for the same. I can't be present here for the same. I refuse to be. I honestly respect myself more. NOT MUCH, but more than that. I deserve better than the same hurts, the same anger, the same tones, the same disrespect, the same trashy way you talk to me. Life continues on after heartbreak, yes that much is true. But you don't get to go back to normal when I am the furthest thing from normal on the planet right now. You don't get to go back to pretending everything is okay, that you can act the same, talk to same, be the same person. That's not okay. None of it is. And the fact that I have to address you in a letter is really discouraging. You have gone back to former Jonathan. While I am here, future Courtney, completely changed. Your actions changed me. I am not the woman today that I was on May 16th. Maybe you have not grasped that I've changed. That things have changed between us. That I need to see real world change, not just your bullshit story you spew to me as an excuse. I'm tired of you dropping the ball. I'm tired of having to give you detailed instruction because I can't trust you to begin with, only to have to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ANYWAY! What is the point of me trying so hard, so desperately, for you and us to get it right when you do whatever you want anyway? I love you and I know that all you really want is encouragement. But goddammit Jonathan, that is what I need. Encouragement that you're actually going to start changing. I don't even think I could take your word for it, so at this point you're just going to have to start changing without telling me you're doing so all the while. I don't believe you anymore. You've cried wolf to me over "change" for so many years that I honestly believe it's all lies and bullshit so I won't leave you.
One of the things I really needed once you cheated on me was TRANSPARENCY. You still haven't provided that. It's still a struggle to get the truth out of you. You're still hiding shit and lying because you don't want to deal with the consequence of reaction. You tell me what YOU THINK I want to hear, only when really, I just wanted the truth, fucking straight, the first time.
YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM HERE. Don't like me yelling? Leave. Don't like that I'm upset and angry from your cheating? Leave. Don't like that I expect you to handle your shit correctly the first time like a man? Leave. Don't like that I can't trust you yet? Leave. Don't like the 20934802394802934 questions I ask concerning you cheating? Leave. Can't cope with my anger because you keep dropping the ball and cant accept responsibility? LEAVE. I MEAN IT. LEAVE.
If you can't accept my feelings, emotions, decisions, ultimatums, and basically the fact that OUR WHOLE LIFE HAS CHANGED because you slept with someone outside of our marriage-- THAN YOU NEED TO DO ME A FAVOR AND LEAVE. I am a reliable human being Jonathan. 100%. I can always be relied on to do the right thing, or the thing that needs to be done. You have NOT been reliable to me Jonathan. I cannot count on you 100% of the time to do things right 100% of the time. Mistake is human, I understand that. I make mistakes even! But the mistakes you make are careless, thoughtless, lazy, NOT THINKING mistakes. I have paid for each of these mistakes slowly over the last four years.
You will pay. Not me. I refuse to be brought down because you can't get your life in order. This eviction problem with the apartment really brought that to the forefront. You can't handle your shit, with OR without me. Even with me telling you what to do, you still manage to create more problems. I'm tired of being your mother. I'm tired of feeling that I'm responsible for all the mistakes you make. I mean hell, I end up paying for them, so truly am I not responsible for your mistakes? Fuck that. I don't accept that. Stop dragging me down. Stop fucking things up. Please think before you act. And honestly, can you for once ask yourself. "HOW WOULD COURTNEY FEEL ABOUT _______ " before you do/say/act. It's funny, because for the most part, that's how I based my decisions. Around you. Which was my first mistake. Because you based NONE of your decisions around me. They are around your comfort and convenience.
I just leave this letter feeling like you still don't get it. That you just get a free pass for sleeping with Tammy because we have so many other life stressors and problems going on. And that's not fair. It's not fair to make me feel powerless and as if you're just living your goddamn life like nothing has happened. My whole world was shattered. The blinders were ripped off. I feel raw, vulnerable, and exposed. And instead of comforting me, after the first two days, you were back to exploiting me.
I deserve more respect than how I feel. I know I do. I just don't think you believe I do.

5:58 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 10, 2015


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