Where ground should be stable
9:20 a.m.
& Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003
Victoria : John Mayer
Don't know why Tory came by
But I could see by the look in her eyes
Tory'd been driving 'round the town for a while
Playing with the thought of leaving
Don't know why, but Tory just smiled
And mentioned something about how you were right
Must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
She said "I might not be seeing him soon."
"I've got a few things I've been waiting to do."
Hey, Tory came by
Tory came by tonight
Hey, Tory came by
She says to say goodbye
Looked outside at the car in the drive
And the suitcase on the back seat inside
Sure it's so she can't look out behind at the road
She said "I might not be seeing him soon."
"I've got a few things I've been waiting to do."
Hey, Tory came by
Tory came by tonight
Hey, Tory came by
She says to say goodbye
Don't look down, she seemed alright
You might be asking where is Tory tonight?
Somewhere out on the highway I'm sure she'll be fine
Early morning. Above is an old John Mayer song that I've been listening to for awhile. It made me cry at first... I just.. I don't know. It alot of ways its how I feel. So many people are so right. In a way I just want to leave here. Things are such in a perfect place around me. It's so cold this morning. The cold air against my skin only is welcomed. The sun that is hidden from me by the blinds finds even the hardest way to shine through. I want to talk to Brant.. I told him that I wanted to yesterday... but I don't have as much courage as I did before. Lately Mark seems to just blow me off. To just want nothing to do with me. You know what? That's fine I guess. It just wasn't meant to be friendship then. I wonder if I he even realizes what he's doing. I told his mother that I would drop by today... but I'm so confused and lost at the moment I'm afraid I wont be able to find my way. In a really monotone mood such as this I just want to cry and sleep. I haven't touched that pretty little knife in awhile. I know that things get rough and then they get better. I'm in this transitional stage where I'm not quite sure if I will ever get out of this cycle. I have to tell myself no to the temptation of touching that Razor.. It's right under my bed along with my knife only to make the cuts deeper. I'm a wreck. Such a small way of fixing things has turned into a problem itself. But I guess I'm teaching myself not to grab for the knife everytime things fall apart. How will I learn from life if I just cut away every lesson I've learned from it? Mistakes, regrets, so many other people were right. Where has Courtney's great courage gone to? I'm just a coward now. I don't want to end up like Shawn. That scared me so much. I would never want to put other people through that. I want to be there with him right now, to hold his hand, and cry for him. That hit close to home. He truly believed that there was nothing left. Lost interest in everything possible. That left me breathless. To sit there and understand that in a way I was started to feel that. Losing interest in everyone. Debating on just staying home. I guess it was a wake up call for me. Straighten up girl... you dont want to die. Because truly, when it all comes down to it, I don't have enough courage to kill myself. Just little cuts that remind me of the constant hell I'm condemning myself to. Failing to express anger...ignoring what matters most...slipping where I should be on stable ground. It just makes me exhausted.
Courtney
remember when?
lover you don't have to love - Sunday, Jul. 06, 2014
- - Thursday, Dec. 22, 2005
Catch up? - Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2005
nothing - Monday, Aug. 29, 2005
missing dland - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
rewind & forward