Well now, I'm back again. Are you suprised? I would hope not, we all know that I don't have a life.. if this is news to you? Then you must be a new customer around here. Sit down and enjoy the show and feel free to trip a waiter if they don't pay much attention to you. Here I am. Am I that lame? Now that I think on it. Courtney has no life. The life I want is currently being attainted. But there's so many uncertains in the way. God damnit. This feeling inside, I haven't felt it in so long. I haven't felt it.. well.. since the last time I cut. It's like I know something is wrong but I don't know... It's there but something is not letting me see it. I need to do something, but I have energy to do nothing. I can't do after school activities because they eventually bore me. I've dropped out of Mock trail, I'm slowly reclining from French Club... to do what?! Be with people who aren't there? Talk to people who are unable to respond? It's madness really. And yes, I'm going to be a snotty bitch. I'm going to bitch and complain about how I want to be paid attention to. I feel stupid for ever trying to free up time to be with people who aren't here. It's frustrating me to no end. Question upon question is just going back and forth through me. Where the hell am I going?! Is this what I want a do with my life? I've got a plan. I know what I want to do... but the way things are going... it's like nothing will. I set everything up according to what I know and what I intend to happen without a doubt. Doubt is NOT something I live with. Period. No and's if's or but's. That was, before I met Yuuriko and Keisuke. My rinky dink life that was centered in the middle of the box is now out of the box and looking around at all this white.. blank... space. Now instead of being reassured that I know what's going to happen, I can only hope for something to happen. I'm a square and most everything I'm invovling myself in is going in circles. Now I'll tell you, I do not regret the things I'm looking forward to, or even the situations I'm in now. But taking a look at my self worth. Is the cost I'm giving and paying right now... going to be more then the reward at the end? Am I just a idiot messenger who didn't see that's all I would become? Honestly.. It's killing me. If I could just stop for a moment I think I would start smacking my head against the desk. Today was a bad day and I don't know why. I want to talk to Cande without any interruptions. I would just like for her to stop for an hour or two and just talk to me. She's been everywhere but here! And I know it! It's eating at me because I know she can't help it and she never meant for me to feel this way. So what do we have left?
A. A girl who's lame and doesn't have a life other then her computer one.
B. A messenger who's just sitting in the middle not knowing her own self worth.
C. Someone who's really lost and is looking for guidance.
D. A girl who just doesn't want to be alone.
E. A friend who needs someone here with her now.
Now isn't that the best thing in the world? Mmm.. Rightio.
Courtney