And I ask you how it feels like. You say you have had better. - Lola Ray, What it feels like.
Desperate for school to start. Desperate for some sort of interaction with people other than my own family. [ Marian the obvious exception of course. ]
As of late, I've just been sort of floating between sleeping and waking. I'll get online to rp. Obviously not to write entries, because I've been slacking so much here. I hate it. But I refuse to write about the same thing over and over. So until I have a bit more spice into my life, I doubt these entries will be filled with anything interesting.
I've been thinking lately though, today while I was laying in bed after waking up. About Keisuke and Cande. There's never been a time period when both of them were out of my reach. Do you know how scary that is? I have no protectors. Of course, the whole reason Kei is out of contact is so Tseng didn't come after me and Cande... but who's to say he'll stick to his word. Cande is out of reach, in a whole different country. Japan. Her cell doesn't work. I haven't heard from her since she left. This scares me slightly. Cande promised to always keep me safe. She told me to mark down anything suspicious that happened while she was gone.
About two days ago.. a guy came to my door asking to see my mother, because she had called in about a 'gift'. I told him that she was in the shower. He then proceeded to ask me, " Are you sure you're not the Mother? You look old enough to be. " I told him no. He asked then once more if my Father was there. I told him no, he was at work. And then.. the final thing that gave him away.. He replies, " Oh yes, thats right, his motorcycle isn't in the drive way. " I faultered. How did this guy know my Dad had a motorcycle if this was the first time he had ever come to the house? I told him that I'd leave a message..trying to get out of the situation as soon as possible. He gave me a look.. before turning around and getting back into his white truck. I've been uneasy ever since. I dont know quite what to make of it. I told my mom that this guy had stopped by, claiming she had called him. She had said no, she hadn't called anyone in the past few days. How could she when I was on the internet twenty four seven? First thought was the Firm. Second thought was that the guy was just mixed up. Third thought was that I wanted Kei and Cande back within my reach now. Fourth thought, stop, think, collaborate.. just watch your back.
I honestly, hope things aren't going to catch up with me while I'm vunerable. Unable to reach Kei and have him stop anything. Unable to reach Cande and have her tell the C.M. to stop anything. I dont know how to defend myself at all.. unless you count kicking a guy in the balls. My Dad offered to teach me how to shoot, [ he works at the range. ] I've been contemplating lately about doing it. I hope I'm not overeacting.. but I'd rather be too cautious then too careless.
But on a safer note, I started talking to my cousin Marian again. She lives in Florida now. Before she was in Japan.. then London.. way out of reach for any sort of Snail Mail.. and telephone calling. We're trying to see if we can pick her up and let her stay with us for awhile. Her father doesnt really like our family. [ My uncle. >_> He's an asshole. ] But Marian and her brother Steven lived with us when I was in the Third Grade, up to a little before I started Fourth Grade. I miss them. I miss her. But talking to her like no time has passed inbetween, that's been a blessed joy.
Greg's going out with Beth again. I feel so wonderfully used. Guys like doing that, don't they?
Dayna introduced me into Wolfsheim. A german band. We all know that I'm oh-so-crazy about my Japanese Rockers.. but I never thought I'd be captivated by a german band. But thinking about it, why wouldn't I be? I have such eclectic music taste it's disgusting at times. But hey! The more the merrier. ^__^ The song is K�nstliche Welten by Wolfsheim. I like. I like a lot.
Still looking forward to school. Still listening to Lola Ray. Still feeling unsafe. Still wanting to escape from this place that I hate. Still wondering if Tseng's going to grill Kei about us somemore. I need answers. I have so many questions.
But funny, the greatest questions usually go unanswered.
Courtney