Major lack of update, but I must note there's been a major lack of inspiration for an update. They go hand in hand one could guess. I'm not pleased with my inconsistancy, but what am I going to do about it. I have to have a passion to write before I can very well open an entry and start typing away.
Cande is in Japan now. I bet you she's having the time of her life. She deserves a get away. From her family. From Keisuke. From me. From the CM. From life. And I don't blame her for being gone. Of course, I miss her tons. But that goes strictly without saying.
More update on the Keisuke situation. Tseng is still living under Keisuke's roof, and dictating his every move. Naka undid the damage that Tseng did as far as her SN went. So I can now talk to her online. I doubt that I can send anything, because then he'd know we were back in contact again. It'd be a mess of everything, so I don't want to fuck that up either. I'll just let her come to me when the time is right. There's really no desperate feeling. I can wait. Cande can wait. The circumstances under which we are waiting are so much different than before. And I thank someone for that. I can breathe finally.
I wanted to note as well, that I believe my therapy has officially, 'worked'. It's been almost seven months since I've cut, I am proud to announce. I doubt I'll ever being going back to that part of my life. I have many death threats and promises to keep on that anyway. I still can't forget Keisuke telling me, " If you cut yourself again, I'll kill you myself. " That's a classic. Apart of me was like, " I'd do it again just to see you come. " But once more over, that'd be somewhat inappropriate. So I'll take heed to his threat and just, not do it. How simple is that?
28 days in counting until school starts again. I can't express how much I am awaiting the day, August 9th. Not only my mothers birthday, but also the day my first school day at Hardaway Highschool begins. Nervous? Yes. Wanting to go? Hell yeah. I better damn well make some friends, that's all I'm saying. Because with the lack of response from everyone but Erika and Toby in Fort Campbell, one can only speculate exactly where my friendships are at this current moment.
My mother told me today, " Your grandparents said they'd fly you to Maine for a week if you wanted. " I.. knew this was coming. And every single day I keep wanting to say yes. I know there's nothing for me at this current moment, and I'm dying to see the beach again. I remember how much I love my Memere and Pepere's house. How much I'm at peace there. It's always been my sanctuary. So I do believe that tomorrow, I'm going to ask my mom to tell my Grandparents that Yes. I want to go. I need to go. I love flying on planes anyway. I miss my beach. I miss the beautiful catholic church I sat in every Sunday, in awe of the spiritual prescence that sat around me. [ I'm not that much of a spiritual person.. but.. yes.. ] I miss the sense of, 'everybody knows everybody. ' I long for the hometown. And thinking about it, this is where I need to be. This is where I honestly know my heart lies right now, atleast for this summer. School doesn't start until August.. so I could be gone for one week in July. It's not that I'd be away from the things I love. [ They're all computerized, the things I love, mind you. ] I'd just be stationed in a new place, a place that I'm absolutely in love with. Whats negatory in that? Aside from the fact that there'll be a delay in me getting my daily mail?
Yes. Ladies and Gentlemen. Courtney plans to escape this god foresaken place. Destination? Maine. Depart? Asap.
Courtney