Being so far away from the origin of my everything, I'm becoming everything I wanted.
Ironically, that's supposed to not make very much sense. But strangely, it does.
I'm becoming that 'refined' music fanatic-- finally listening to the things that I want. Mind took a trip back to Fort Campbell to remember all those songs that were played in Brant's car, the ones I loved, the ones I hated. They're more of a comfort here then they ever could have been in that car. I don't think I'd appreciate it that much if I wasn't so far away. If I wasn't right within reach of the music I needed so badly.
So I moved away from the music the first time, but immediately sought it out when I got here.
The next thing to come was my sense of self. That's definately come a long way from what it used to be. I'm not taking no for an answer as much anymore and I do want I want to do. Not what I know someone else wants me to do. I'm no longer the door mat that I sadly knew I was, before I left. I know who I am, as many times before this I have assured myself I do. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. The point of the matter being, I know exactly what I want and I know what I have to do to get it. I'm no longer so concerned with pleasing other people to get what I want. So what if you have to pull out some girl's hair and call her a bitch. Atleast you get your reward in the end for it.
I suppose the next thing on the agenda would be my love life. I'm taking more charge of that then ever before. I'm not just sitting back and letting things happen. I mean, wow, I didn't realize how good things can be when you aren't afraid to grasp the handles and hold on. Dip your toe out into the ocean water, it's not all that cold anymore-- really.
The last but definitely not least, is the fact that I can let the past go. So what if Brant pushed me away. I know it. It happened, so what? It happens all over the world, what makes me so different? No matter what happens in my life it's never going to amount to something being so dramatic the world is going to stop moving forward. I can forget those that have meant the most of me, but cherish the memories of our times together-- at the same time. That's quite an accomplishment, if one were to ask me.
Oh-- and one more, the unplanned variable. Keisuke & Cande. Yeah. I've definitely come a long way with them. Things are way under control, moreso then ever before. And I feel good about it. I'm able to handle what I want and need at the same time.
Suddenly, I'm finding it harder and harder to hate myself-- only the situations that I manage to get myself into. But I believe, that's what has made me so great. So self boosting, if one were to ask me.
Courtney