Well, today was a most interesting day. Things like this haven't happened in so long. I had a good day, honestly I did, but even now.. I get that sinking feeling of lonliness. Over and over it washes, I can't push it away. Even when I have people asking me to leave.. would it be worth it? To put myself through the cliches... to put myself through the fake smiles.. the fake laughing. I don't think I could.. but I did it. I left the house with someone other then myself, for the first time in a very long time. We had a few good laughs.. Brant, Larry, Stacy, and I.. but in a sense... it hurt terribly. Madness that I couldn't subdue no matter how I tried. Things have already taken toll. The damage has already been done. Seeing them waltz up to my house unexpected.. when going almost weeks without talking to me.. you can't do that.. you just can't. Their has to be some society social rule against it. I couldn't find the logic.. and it scared me. Were they asking me out to make a mockery of me? Make me feel alienated and even worse then before? Regardless, I took the chance. It felt nice. Towards the end I did zone out.. but I think I did pretty well under the circumstances. It amazed me to learn that both Stacy and Brant keep up with my diary. I didn't think they did. I didn't think they cared enough anymore.. because honestly? I'm running out of people who do. I feel like suddenly I've given my all and I have nothing left to give. I hurt and there is no gaping wound. No obvious signs of forced entry into my soul.. Nothing to prevent or mask what I feel inside. Torn and exposed, yet no reasoning for it. I allowed my imagination run with me today. Every car that passed by I suddenly inspected.. every thing, person, sound.. I was more aware then usual. But I do believe that the most interesting part of my day, I say interesting because I can't seem to find a word to describe it, happened when I was calling Keisuke to leave my weekly voicemail. It's become known now that every Saturday I get a dollar, run up to the shoppette, and leave a voicemail. Usually just minutes talking to myself on the line.. updating about various things along the way.. But today, when I got my change and walked back towards the payphone.. my eager fingers pressing those numbers oh so engraved into my mind.. I let it ring. Normally there are numerous amounts of rings before the voicemail comes on. But after a few rings, the phone picked up, silence for awhile.. then, " Can I try that on after you? " And then a dead dial tone pulsing in my ear. Now normally, as like the time when the phone went disconnected last time, I would be flipping out. But somehow I composed myself, put the phone back upon the cradle, and walked back home. Now there's nothing to say that I didn't talk and reason with myself on the way home.. but I made it. When I got in the door, Mom goes, " I have a text message for you.. " I'm curious for a moment, but take her cell phone and see immediately that it's Keisuke. - " Hah Whoops. " After a few text messages later I understood what had happened. Apparently Kei was out with Naka and her friends, and he moved to answer the phone without realizing who it was. Now because we know he can't talk to either of us, he hung up. And the explaination for the voice I heard, most puzzling? Naka's friend. XD Who also, strangely, think's I'm hot. How this works out I have no mind of, but hey! And eventually I learn that Naka's girl friend likes me as well. HEY! Self esteem boosters that I'm willing to take. So that, was an odd part of my day. It seems that Yuuriko is down today.. mood wise.. and I don't know what to do about it. Perhaps Kei coming online later will fix that. I feel overwhelmed, confused, lonely.. and I just want a friend to talk to..
Courtney