Listening to the Moonlight Sonata again. I'm in love with it, positively absolutely. I'm in a introverted mood, I'm tolerate, Understanding, Mellow, but happy all in one. I think this is the combination of myself that I do enjoy the best. I've been thinking alot lately. I hate crushing dreams, especially when they are my own, so most times I try not to think on the future. I try to believe that everything will work out happily ever after. No one knows my dreams of living with Cande in New Orleans after Highschool. No one cares that I want so much to get the best grades ever. Nobody takes notice but myself. And I suppose thats the way it will always be. I'm starting to get a real taste of the meaning 'on my own.' I'm ready. " A trail of ruby red and diamond white, shes like a sun rise. " - John Mayer. :leans back: I don't know what to tell you guys. I'm going to accomplish my dreams. I'm going to get a English Major from the University of New Orleans. I am going to become a writer. But now whether a poet or a novelist, I'm yet to decide. We'll think on that later. I've known since I was ten what I was going to do with my life. I knew that I'd be a writer. I knew that I'd go to college, I even knew where. And I know your sitting there, blank, expressionless, because most people who make long term goals like this often fail. They change their Major's, some dont even go to college, and unfortunately some just dont even graduate Highschool. But dont sit there and tell me, a girl who knew what she was doing with her life since Elementary school, that I wont make it. Sure, I know that things can divert me from what I want to do, but it doesn't mean I wont make it. I have to. For so many reasons. My reasoning when I was 10 was different then it is now. Then it was just to be the one in my family who got their life right this time. Now its because alot of things are depending on it. My happiness depends on what I do with my life. My relationships depend on who I am in life. I have to succeeed in order to see close friends again. I have to keep myself straight in order to be with those that I love. No, I'm not an elitest. God no. I know what I want in life. How many ten year olds do you know say that instead of whining for a barbie doll or a race car while you muttter under your breath that they better shut up or they wont get anything at all? I can say that yes, earlier in life I did want to be something other then a writer. I wanted deeply to be a singer so I took voice lessons. There was a point where I took Ballet and wanted to be a Ballerina. But those were in younger years. I finally reached my decision one day in 5th grade, when most are thinking about what television show they're going to watch when they get home. Now, I am at the age of 14 with the world before my feet. Most of you are dazzled that I'm only so young. Planning your life out like this! It must be some mistake. No mistake my friends, no mistake. This is what I want deeper then anything. This runs so much more then just making a living in life. This is happiness. This is my sanity. This is me. So there you have it, my rant for my future life. But I've only left one thing out, because I'm so uncertain of it. I hate being unprepared, unplanned, and not ready. See...Ian and I. :closes eyes: He's a Senior, I'm a Freshman. By the time I graduate he'll be 21. Will he stick around for the next four years? Will I give him a reason to come home every weekend? Will I be a reason for him to call? Will it affect his trying to start his life? I dont want to be something holding him back. I want this to last more then anything. But I'm afraid. I'm scared of being able to be called the reason that he might fail. Because my small hand just couldn't stop clutching his arm. I know that you think this is crazy..but its what I fall asleep to at night. He's got to start his life reguardless. And I'm willing to suffocate my love so deep down to see him suceed. Move on. To be able to leave. I know it sounds horrible, but if I become a reason for him to not get on with his new life....I'll do it. The most selfless act I've done in such a long time. Sure I'll cry myself to sleep at night. Sure I'll want him to hold me more then anything. But he will be going towards his life goal and that will be enough to make me smile. These are just thoughs guys, don't hyperventilate.