Bi polarness of an attitude again. Self esteem is lowered a step. My own doing, of course. I've got this major guilt trip going on myself now. Look how much Ian's getting into trouble because you had to go and get all emotional. If this gets any worse, and he gets grounded...then im going to be knee deep in regret. I am not worth him deserving punishment for lying about me. If not my suggestion then we wouldnt be in this mess. I'm afraid of the outcome once more. Im trying so hard not to just break down. He's worth every decision I've made of this situation. I wouldn't have lied in the first place if he wasn't worth my time. But he is and so much more. But now Im just. I dont mean to cause trouble, irritation, something irreversible. Look what I've done? If not for my input perhaps he could be far from the danger of getting in trouble. But inside, I was not willing to sacrifice my emotion for proper status with his parents. Might as well throw me a shovel, Im going to be digging out of this hole i've created for both of us for along time. Im trying not to cry. With my own passing words it seems harder and harder. But back to him, I want to cry in his arms. Let him know he's worth all this stress. Every fucking moment of my worry. He is my constant. To know that someone likes me the same way back. Someone wants to see me, someone wants to talk to me. Its the best feeling in the world. The all time high. But I'm afraid, and I need him with me. Telling me to stop my crying and that it will be just fine. I worry to much and I just love how I can push myself over the edge by complaining. Just my feelings throw in a jar and shown to the world. Im off now, to try to consort with my own issues that pile one upon another. I want to see his smile.
Courtney