"Dont know Tory came by
But I could see by the look in her eyes
Tory been driving round the town for awhile
Playing with the thought of leaving."
Victoria : John Mayer
Dad isn't going to be homing home for R & R ( rest and relief, I think... ) until Christmas. I was told and almost assured that he'd be back for Thanksgiving. Never trust dates around here, they all end up being rumors. There was a helicopter that crashed down awhile ago.. But of course there was absolutely no way my dad was on it. Which in a way is a relief. Mom is still procrastinating about getting me to the therapist. I'm kind of getting vexed none the less. I wish she would just do it. Dont even think about whats happening. Just schedule it! But I guess it's not that easy. I want to remind her, but I dont all the same. The more she procrastinates against it, the more I can say I'm not going. I'm flipping through days where I need help and when I don't. It's a mix of the two. I wish I could just pick one and go onward with it. I went to a Mock Trial meeting yesterday. It wasn't for too long, just long enough to get a permission slip out and all that. I'm excited of it to start up. It's something that I'm just walking blindly into. And I suppose that yes, I do need to do that on occasion. I was slightly under the weather today. I almost stayed home...just waking up feeling so unhappy. But after my mom told me I had to go, I got pissed, slammed my door, and then got dressed. I'm glad in a way that she didn't let me stay because then I would have only gotten further depressed and I probably would have cut. But I didn't and that's all that counts. I tried not to let my negativity drag anyone down. When people asked me what was wrong I didn't tell them. I didnt mention it in any letters I wrote. I feel proud for not letting it leak too much. People were suspicious, but no one really thought it was bad. Of course it isn't now, the mood wore off towards the end of the day. I'm working on my goal to reach 125 more so now. I ate a salad at lunch, but my regret was that I ate a pizza before it. Argh. I'm going to do this the healthy way. No skipping meals, healthy foods, and no excess eating. But damn this is hard. I dont even know why it's such a big thing to me. I love the way I look, of course dont confuse this with cutting please. I'm just.. I think it's because I took a test a few days ago and being 5"1 and weighing 147 isn't healthy. I'm going on this kick where I want to improve this. Being grounded only helps me with the excess time with myself. I just keep finding myself bored. Lack of leaving the house is starting to get to me. I'm dying here. I want to walk outside alongside the autumn leaves in the gutters, listen to the wind whistle whlie blowing the trees, and hold tight to my coat while the sun shines. My favorite season Autumn is fast withering and I go and do a stupid thing like being grounded. I miss going outside. I miss it so much that sometimes I find myself staring out the window alot. Wishing I were out there instead of here. Perhaps I should play my violin soon. I want to anyway, but whether I'll actually do it or not is a big maybe. Mmm.. .it's quite cold in this house. My mood is getting mellow. I want to lay down for awhile. Maybe even drift to sleep until morning. I could use a hot shower to. Josh is pelting me with IM's.. I wish he could read this.. Better yet I'll just give the link to him. I'm going to the Drama play tomorrow night. You know, Jordan rejected me today. I'm leaving.