Early Morning. No.. I didn't go to school. I should be in 4th period right now, but I just couldn't do it. Deal with the fact that he rejected me. It's not all that bad you know but me not being in the best of places in my life took it totally bigger then it should have ever been. I dont want to see him because I thought things were going great between us. We held conversation's orally and on paper. We worked on class assignments together and had good laughs. I guess it all goes back to the fact that I've never been rejected that much. Usually in guys, I get what I want. Not to sound concieted... but usually when I make a choice I follow through with it. But not this time. It sorta brought me down and I didn't say much about it in last night's entry because I didn't want to face it. Not everybody is going to like me. That sunk in hard because as far as I know, I try to make a good impression with everyone equally. :lays head on desk: I don't really know...but this is the first time I'm feeling rejection since 6th grade. Thats a long time to getting what you want and expecting it. But I suppose thats because most of those years were with Justin. In a way, he's an okay person... you just have to see past everything else. And I did. Truly, he told me things that I'm pretty sure he'd never tell anybody. But the bad overpowered the good and I couldn't see past everything anymore. So I left that. With Emily, I told her everything from beginning to end. We had our life planned out already. It hurts to know that it ended so soon as well. With Ian, sometimes I miss him. Indeed. I mean, don't get me wrong, everything is closed up and I'm impassive about it when somebody prompts me to talk about it... but inside it still hurts. Sometimes I miss being 'His'. But knowing that I fell in love with the relationship as well.. you never know what I'm truly missing. It's like taking a whole bunch of cold medicines and two days you're better. But you dont know which of those made you better. Whether it's him or the relationship I miss, I do not know. But with Jordan I was seeing more then what could ever be there. He wasn't looking for the same thing that I was. And sometimes that can hurt just as easily as rejection. Knowing I probably wont be able to date boys my age for along time, simply because what I want is a relationship with someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, not someone who is just good at 'making out'. I've left middle school relationships and it seems that everyone else around me has not. My Mum said yes to letting everyone stay the night on Friday ( November 21st, 2003 ) So Mark, Erika, Stacy, Brant, Toby, and Ian you're welcome over. Don't forget, alright? I'll probably call you guys when you get home from school. Im off to stare out the window at the remaining Autumn leaves. In a way they're like the people who I love in my life, or think I could love.. that slowly but surely slip away.
Courtney