Loving someone has made me realize something greatly important to me. I am such a horrible person. There is in no real way possible that I should be loveable. Sure, I'm sweet, kind, nice.. all that is a loverly cover up that I'm constantly used to hiding under. My past haunts my every moment. I'm trying to push away my insecurities. I'm trying so hard guys! Can't you realize that I'm just a puppet in this game. I'm bound and tied to his hands, and I did it myself. That first day I saw him. That first day I fell in love! Can't you be happy? Can't I just..lose myself completely in him. I love you all equalally. My friends that have made me laugh, made me cry, made me worry. I value nothing higher then you. You are my family, you are my constant. You're there when I dont want to go somewhere alone, You're there when I'm afraid of being stupid, You're there when I cry, You're there when I wish I could just end it all, You're there when I hate you the most. The things that I know, the things that I want to hide, the things that I wish I could forget... They're consuming me, the clock is ticking angrily at me... Begging me to just give up. I can't. Only two weeks, everyone. Two weeks and I've cried with him in my arms. Only two weeks and I've gone over the edge. Two weeks and I've fallen in love. Two weeks and I'm completely and absolutely taken. This is consuming my every moment. You claim that he's taking me away. You dont know how that hurts me. I cry now as I write these words. I need him like I need oxygen and as crazy as this sounds you're yet to understand. Nothings changed, I've only found someone to help me change things, embroder themselves into my fate. To be cruel, which I know was never your intention... I have a limited number of days with him. Yes! If you must know, He's leaving. He's graduating. He's starting his life, without me. He wont have me. Is that what you want? Dont time happiness. Please dont make me time mine. Im humming his songs, his words, his voice. Biting my lip and pretending that I don't need him. I can't fight the urge, I can't live without breath. I'm to young? Of course I am. It scares me more then anything. I'm too young to know this feeling. But I do. And what do you do with something you're not suppose to have yet? I refuse to just save it for later. This is now. This is here. This is love. And no matter how many fights I have, how many words I scream, or how many tears that I cry in frustration of fighting this feeling....I cant make it go away. Its here to stay. Its gripping at my heart. Im falling back into his scent. I'm losing everything I've ever known. Organization, planning, knowing everything. I cant do that anymore. I used to only cry when I hurt...Not even emotional hurt. Slap. Hit. Bruised. Beaten. Even then it was a rarity. I cry now because I can. Because he's let me feel. I dont have to be numb. I dont have to make myself close from everything that I once loved. I know I've helped you all. Cande with suicide and the firm. Heather when being there when no one has. Keisuke in simply being the idiot 14 year old who gives you a smile now and then. Jennifer because you've grown up together. Josh because you've learned so many lessons. But now its my turn. Let me fall into my happiness, and I promise when I'm done. When I'm left with absolutely nothing left and tears stain my cheeks. Then I'll be your savior once again. I cant save everyone and myself at once. I cant save my dreams and everyone elses. I hang my head in these words. I used to be everyone's everything. I could lose myself in they're problems and push mine further away. Ian's brought all my fears, problems.. memories. They all surface every intoxicating moment. Jealousy? Please dont make me hurt worse over this. A pain in my heart as I try not to sob. I just want to be happy. I just want to be loved. I cant fight my demons and everyone's all at once. Love me, Love me, Please just love me.
Courtney