Life is like tinted windows, you really never know whats on the inside until you unlock the door.
Today was a very emotional day...and..well..I broke down. My mother and Shawna were screaming back and forth at each other. ALl I hear was my mother just going on about. "WHY CANT I BE ALONE?! WITHOT MY KIDS BITCHING AT ME? I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE." That really did it for me. I have this huge problem with anger. I can't stand it when people fight. I moved to the other room. I started crying just a little. I had flash backs to my mother and father fighting so long ago. I do everytime anyone yells at me, or another. Its not something I can really control. I thought the most of it was over, and then I moved to the living room. Big mistake. It started full force again. Shawna told my mom that she needed to sort out her personal problems from her responisblities. That sent my mother off. She was shouting at the top of her lungs. Another flash back of when I was younger for me. That was It. I ran upstairs and just went into hysterics. My mother wanted to be alone, and Shawna obviously thought that she wasn't being a mother. In opinion. I agree..but I lost it really. I was sobbing, crying loudly. It just felt as if my whole being was being torn down with each word that was shouted from downstairs. I clutched the pillow and just cried. I wanted my father, I wanted to yell back at my mother, I wanted Shawna to just pull her life together, I wanted to just run away. So many desires to do things at such an odd time. I was being pulled in so many directions. All this while remembering my mother and father fighting back when I was in second grade. People say that when you experince tramatic things at a young age, they never go away, and often affect your choices and actions in life. It happened to me. I saw my mother and father fighting, in place of Shawna and my mother. It made me feel like that helpless little girl again. I wanted to just put my hands over my ears and block it all away. Eventually it died down, and I was dragged to the beach. Fake smiles and sunshines. Spent two hours there and then came back home. Did I mention? Today was my birthday party. It was the shittiest ever. Happy Birthday Courtney. Im thinking on tinting my windows white.
Courtney