Two in one day, dont you feel fucking lucky. I'm not even suppose to be online at the moment. Most of you wont even being seeing me except at school for the next few days. My mom found the gauze and tape that I had taken from my dad and grounded me for it. I don't even know what this entales....but I can say this. I'm going to be going to the nutter house guys... shes got her speculations and told me not to leave the house or my room. Of course neither can be inforced at the moment because... ha ha... She's picking Shawna and Memere up from the airport. Say goodbye to your Courtney. She doesn't even know reality from her reality. . .Was Keisuke even really real? Did Andrew really touch me in ways that he shouldn't have? When was my first cut? I cant even remember this things anymore. I dont want help. I have this under control. Shes going to expose me... guys... She's going to send me away because I cant possibly be her problem. Courtney the only child in this family who hasn't been in the mental hospital, rehab, on anti depressants, been in trouble with the law....I was the one that made the way. I was their only hope. Well if they discover this?? I'll lose that title forever. This kills me. I worked my ass off for just trying to make a name for myself within my own fucking family. So what if I have to resort to cutting to get emotional pain solved. THIS ISN'T MY FAULT! I only do it because I dont know another way to express everything... I'm afraid to let feelings out. See what happens if you do in this family? They send you off the moment that they suspect that you're defected. God fucking damnit. I'm so afraid. Pissed. Dont come up to me and ask if I cut again. Because obviously, what the fuck do you think? I just dont care anymore. I dont fucking care. I wouldn't have cut to begin with... if I had a family who taught me to express myself properly. If I knew that I didn't have to feel inferior all the fucking time. You know whats sad?? I walked around this whole house with my wrist bleeding openly and you know what happened? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! I dont even want attention... but my sister ignored it. I dont want to be discovered...I dont want them to take my blessed curse of giving off my emotion..but jesus... I want them to know about it but I dont. I'm contridicting myself right and left. I'm afraid of leaving everyone that I know. I'm afraid of being left alone. Being left in the dark. AND I AM! All my friends just tell me enough to get by. I'm always a day late. Always. I feel insufficent... unable to be deal with anything... like I'm just not worth being told anything. Sure I have my own fucked up shit to deal with... but that doesnt mean you can leave me in the dark! I wish so hard that things would go right for Brant. Damnit if I could give anything up willingly I would give myself just to let him have one fucking day without a stress or worry. I cry because I'm afraid.. I'm scared. I don't know whats right infront of me anymore! I don't do it for the drama... I don't do it because I want someone to look at me strange. I do it because I've got a deep fear of expressing who I am. A pain greater then what I am going through. A way to punish whatever they say I've fucked up for... and someway to calm myself. If anything and if you must know. YES I REGRET EVERY CUT I MAKE! EVERY SCAR EVERY CUT EVERY DROP OF BLOOD! I regret all of it. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. The cost of relief amounting to some regret? I'll take that chance, thank you. I'm worn out and I'm starting to feel dizzy again. I've got to return to my room anyway. PLEASE BRANT, STACY, ERIKA, MARK, TOBY... just stop by. I want a familiar face... but with my luck it probably wont happen.
Courtney