I just had a break down. I realized so many things about myself that I wish just weren't true. I got so angry.. so upset over such a small thing. Then all thoughts just came washing over me. I laid on the cold tile floor and just cried. I did. For everything. For the way things are now, for the poor choices I've made, for the things I can't fix. I started to remember reaching for that knife, in a rage flew to my closet.. Yanked open that goddamn drawer.. and paused. Looking at my instruments only brought more pain stricken thoughts, rather then was previously used, to comfort them. I was so upset, delirious that my infamous drug of helping myself wasn't going to workt his time. Shoved the drawer shut, slammed the door, sliding against it. I've never felt such helplessness before. A feeling deep down I cant hide no matter how hard I try crept up inside me. Just.. despair. I was alone. I was truly alone. My own doing.. and I've no one but myself to blame, don't I? Thank god I've denied the knife thank god I'm still here.. I feel worthless.. distant... just not.. worth it all. What do I mean to you? To anyone I know? I don't know.. and that scares me.
Courtney