I wanted a new diary layout and I did it. I'm a little bit calmer then in my last entry. Just pensive. I wanted to talk to Keisuke, and he's not online tonight. I guess this means I'll be talking to him in the emails. Yuuriko and I seemed to be getting hyped up by the moment. I must admit, I'm getting excited. It felt good to cry tonight. I had several people tell me what I meant to them.. and to me... that meant more then I could even fathom. I know that I'm not altogether a lost cause, there is atleast some point to my existance whether I realize it or not yet. In this diary, I've learned so much about myself. The good, the bad, the ugly.. every part of me I can't hide here. In my writings I give it all away without a second thought. It feels good to do that, let loose. In society today we are so concerned how we convey ourselves to the world, and afraid that in the end everyone won't like what they see. But take a step back. Who is the everyone? We are. Secretly everyone retreats home at night wondering how their performance of the day went. Who hates them now? Did they impress someone? Everyone.. is so concerned about how they look for everyone. It's a vicious cycle when one steps back to look at it. But that's who we are as a people, too late to change it now. There are many times when I find myself lingering on exactly who I am. As if I've lost my sense of identity. But I know who I am now. I know... really I do. After searching for so long, I think tonight I know who I am. I'm Courtney, Corky, Court, Peanut, Okashi.. friend of many people. Lover of books, computers, music, asian guys, writing, poetry. My close friends are Nakaruru, Keisuke, Yuuriko, Brant, Stacy, Larry, Erika... As many as ups and downs as we all go through, it doesn't matter. I am the daughter of Thomas and Penny Smith.. the sister to Chelsea Smith. A resident of Fort Campbell, with a birthplace of Portland, Maine.. I am me.. most of all.. through everything. I am me.. who I want to be. And that's a damn good place to be.
Courtney