I'm remembering my dreams again.
I'd much rather not. I always confuse them with memories I've never made. They're flickers of dreams and things I wish would come true. They're my future I desperately want... my dreams are a teaser trailer of my future goals. A pre feeling of how it might turn out. It's always perfect in my dreams. While I'm asleep.. and I can't move to stop what I see. But why would I? It's heaven in my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if what I dream is just an over working of my hopes and imagination.. or a preminition of what's to come.
It's happened more then once you know. Dreaming about things that are coming. I haven't done it in awhile. But when it happens it's almost as if... you stop.. you gasp.. and remember you knew this was coming. You saw it in a dream. And as you woke from that dream, you just viewed it as another one of your hopes or goals.. or just a distorted view of thoughts. But then it happens.. and you realize you knew all along.
Sometimes thats why I'd rather not remember some of my dreams. Because I begin to wonder.. " Is this going to happen in the future? " Then I get carried away with myself. Honestly at times I don't know what to think. Most of the time, I try not to. Thinking almost always leads me back to a place I don't want to be. It's a trail of pessimistic realities.. a place where I'd prefer not to be. But sometimes, just sometimes, I need to go there. To realize that there's a chance not everything I want to happen will come true. Which of course is torture to have to think about, but it's something I need. I can't explain why.. and I can't describe what it does for me. Only that it works. You all know the basis of optimism is sheer terror. Feeling terror makes my happy thoughts all the more appreciated. I suppose that could be an explaination if you really needed one.
I've only a few days remaining with the people here. It hurts but it'll eventually subside. I'm trying my hardest to accept the unacceptable for myself. But even the one who opens her arms to the abnormal is finding it difficult to accept this. When everything was so perfect. So right. When I thought that I had found everything I was looking for. My time was shortened. Never in my wildest dreams [ no pun intended here, guys. ] did I imagine something this horrible happening. And of course, I am a girl who writes of horrors at times. Who can think up worst case sceanrio's on the drop of a pin. But never this.. oh no never. But here we are. And life once more has taken me by complete surprise.
I can only guess where he'll lead me next. So for now all I can do is give him my hand and close my eyes. Oh mister life, please be gentle with me. In one hand you hold my trembling grip and in the other hand.. you hold my heart. That's breaking even now.
" We can see even in the darkest of nights. Close your eyes in the daylight and let love guide you... for when the darkness comes, you'll be ready.. You'll be ready to find that love again.. Blindly and in the sadness of dark. Close your eyes, find love, and open them again. Surprise. "
Courtney