Perhaps it is with day's like these where I would like to just stop and smile. Have you seen the day today? The sun is so beautiful....the wind has picked up. My magnificent season has finally started up in full swing and I'm in slight awe. My heart hangs heavy for a certain few. But depression seems far from my way. Cutting is the last thing that could possibly be on my mind. I finally sqaured things with Ian off last night... I just did it. I finally told him off, Perhaps my anger wasn't even for the situation... just for everything before that. The yelling I took from him with no objection, the temper, the grabbing. I hadn't given any anger back, only annoyance.. And last night I just let loose. It felt good and now I truly believe I'm completely and absolutely over him. It's done and the chapter can finally close. My ditch is no longer here. I stand on level ground.
( How can I say I love you back?? You never made me happy??! I never said this wouldn't hurt.... I never said I'd give it back... I wont be good enough for you. I'll never be around to see.. )
But now that I can see clearly for once and my face isn't hidden I weep. For everything I couldn't before. It was so hard to cry when I was holding myself there. Now it seems so easy. I cry tears for Brant and his ceaseless nights. I would give everything I own to simply let him rest for one night without disturbance. Damn whatever fate pushed him to this. I weep for Stacy and for things that were done to her. I weep because I know what it feels like to be there and you hate yourself completely. You're dirty. You're not able to function completely. I weep for Erika... I want so much for her. I'm realizing now... the people that have tried to get me out of my ditch.... are held in their own small little worlds. I've awoken and it seems like my reality has changed from when I last set eyes upon it. Morales, values, and pride has changed... I'm at awe what my absence has done to the way I used to see things. Autumn calls for me.
Courtney