As years have passed, I have always tried to find my place in life. My needy qualities and ability to be faster then my friends often jepordized things. I was always the one that people used to copy from, the one the teachers loved discussing, and the one who thought that if you didn't die a virgin that you'd go to hell. For the longest time that was my make up. I was above everyone else. My mother said from even a very small age I understood concepts that would blow other children in the dust. At age five she explained to me I had a biological father. I simply said "Oh! Well I suppose I have two daddies then!" I understood complex situations. Marriage. Divorce. Love. My mother was only 19 when she had given birth to me and a highschool drop out at that. She was married to my idiot father. He did nothing but fuck up and end in jail. Two years I lived inbetween my grandparents and my mother. Back and forth back and forth. I believe that if tramatic things happen at a young age, they stay with you for the rest of your life. When my mother met my step father they were quickly married. He was still young and had quite of a bit of growing up to do. But he loved me with all my heart. at times my mother claims that he married her just for me. That made me fell belonged into something. But then 6-8 I was PSC'ed to Germany. The way of life is different there. My father soon started flirting around. Still young..still carefree. They began to fight. Things were shattered. Words were said. I remember them still to this day. I would curl up in my room hands over my ears and cry. At times I would peek through my door to see if the madness had stopped. One day my mother pulled me from school to go to the airport! She wanted to leave him. Now everytime people fight infront of me. I have flash backs...things that I thought were long forgotten. I see my mother and father. I see myself, little wide eyed and scared. Throughout my life, it was then that I think I decided something. Anger was not going to be an emotion for me. On a way to discovering who I was, from the very good girl image..I found different things.You wouldnt die if you werent a virgin..Black was the new pink...and spikes weren't all that bad. It has taken 3 years for me to turn into the person I am. I lost many things along the way. I lost friends who didnt like what I was becoming, and I lost the appreciation of teachers that I once longed for. I am a very giving person. That is a positive quality about myself. I love and enjoying sorting out other peoples problems. Logic can be used for every problem on this earth. But my Cousin and I are both the same way. We give and give, worry about other people, and ignore our own issues. But usually we are left with people who burn us in the end. Leave us there when we come for help to them. Its something Ive never been able to control. I've always had a mind above all, ready to apply my mind to the word, to grow up finally. Most people want to stay in childhood, but more then anything I wish it gone. I spent most of my time growing up when I was little. Years seemed to have gone two at a time rather then one. Sure there are millions of things that I will never know at this tender age...but still...I know enough to make it in the world. Atleast I have an idea. I have no true friends in this state. None. They have all crossed me atleast once and then asked for forgiveness. I am a forgiving person. The last one of any person that I could call a friend here is moving within the next few weeks. I have alot of catch up to play society wise. I have to find someone, or I shall drive myself crazy with my alone antics. My mother has absolutely no clue of how many countless dangers that Ive shoved myself into. But I do it willingly. Just a year ago...I had a boyfriend. Who was on probation. He was 15. Drinking. Smoking.. all that. I wanted to belong. More then anything. When I was in 5th grade...I was 'molested' so to speak..in a nicer term by a babysitter who I just wanted to be friendly with. I have been stepped on by countless people. But somehow I seem to find my point of grace and rise above. I am a friendly person. And I hate being mean.But I can be if aquired to do so. It takes alot of pushing. Almost all of my friends here in kentucky have called me threatening to kill themselves, take zoloft, and believe there is nothing left for them. Somehow I've managed to turn them around and there semi okay. I am normally a semi all tell person. Only reserved if I dont know you well. My worst fear in life is that I will fail at an attempt in saving someone and that I will be left. I have been left by countless people in my life. My real father, my friends...That is why I beg when threatened. I beg with everything in me. Mind replays images of being left. One constant about myself is that I relive memories when they are happening in a diffrent form infront of me. Fighting? I relive my mother and step father. Leaving? I remember all those who have left and hurt me. Suicide? I think of all the calls that people have made to me in the dead of the night. I dont hate this burden. Its something that Ive come to terms with. Someone above wants me to help. I agree and I live with it. Now my breathing and nerves arent so good after all these years but I make due. Yes ive thought of killing myself but ive risen above. Things change. People forget. But my mind is a filing cabinet. I dont forget. But I do change. I write in hopes to change myself. I play my instruments in harmony and hope of changing others. And I sing on occassion in hopes to relate to others. I want nothing more in this world then to relate with a person. To befriend them, to please them. So many relationships Ive given and given and nothing in return. But Ive learned my lesson now and I can finally stand and tell a person no. That was my hardest thing ever. To say no. No no no. That is a word that wasn't in my vocabulary when I was little.
Courtney