Afternoon. I've been neglecting this corner of my little world for awhile now I feel it absolutely appropriate that I update. Lately I've been feeling wonderful and in someways I'm feeling the effects of simply growing up. Hear me out before you jump on my case, because I know I'll be the first to brag sometimes on how mature I can be. Recently it seems I'm being faced with things that I have never been faced with before. The whole 'experince' part of maturity that I hadn't gotten to yet. Well yeah, I'm hitting it. Lately I've been seperating my dreams from reality. It seems like there is a pretty thin line between them both now. I'm understanding that I cant change myself in a night and I cannot change a person by begging them to change. It takes their own will and time. Im finding a golden mean in my life with what I can do stress free. The problems and situations that I can take on guilt free without breaking down. So if you were to ask me how I'm doing??? I can give this reply without feeling like I'm lying. " I'm perfectly content." And that is that. I'm becoming into a more mature person, well more so then before. And that must sound really concieted.. but afterall this is my diary. I'm slowly stopping my urges to resort to cutting. I'm giving people more slack where they deserve it. I'm not freaking out when it feels like everything is going to crash down. I'm becoming more laid back. Of course it's taken many a people of saving, many a broken friendships, and many a choice to come to where I feel I've made it to today. I finally know what I have to do. I can't fuck around anymore and I can't worry too much when worry is not needed. I love all of my friends of course, but I've come to notice that there is a line where true feeling and drama is created. I miss those friendships that have tapered off because of life. I miss someone who I truly think will never come back. But of course thats only if fate brings him back to whatever friendship was salvaged. I'm coming back into those stages that I left at middle school. The good stages mind you, where a person actually becomes to love themselves again. For this little bit of time, I slowly came to hate myself. And with hating yourself pain does not apply. Hating yourself enables you to cut, slash, degrade, peel, and scrape every part of yourself away. Now I have to say that I've recognized this for what it was and I'm trying to love myself again. To love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance. So again, that is that. I find myself a little more drawn back, watching, but more involved in spontaneous things now then before. I'm never home, I have something to do, and I enjoy it. That wasn't the case before, where just a computer screen and people oh so many miles away were my only company. Of course do not misunderstand me. I love those who I have come to know through the wide internet world, but there is a difference between feeling, seeing, hearing, and touching... rather then typing. Well here I go again, off to run away and try to love myself. I'm off now.
Until another autumn day comes
Courtney