I guess I should give a red badge of cowardace, shouldn't I? I gave in again and the pain soothed more then usual, but in an oddity it hurt even more. I am unloveable.. or it feels such, and I guess I have no one to blame but myself. And I don't blame Dan for this one bit, and I don't think this is something that someone has an answer for. Sure they can go, "Oh well look it took me _____ years to find my lover" or "I know how it feels..really, I do." And maybe they are right, and probably in all actuality they are. But right now I'm in a fragile state of mind and perhaps before I set myself up for Dan and that big failure I should have waited. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle yet another failure in the addition to all the other ones. The child psychitry board should have sorted my case by now, so I just wait for a call informing me of my next appointment. I need boundries, I need an authority figure that I cant defy to step in and tell me that I cant, tell me that there will be consquences if I cut again.. otherwise I know I could slash until the death of me. I know what I need, I'm on the road to getting it, it just seems like its not going fast enough. But even then when I do start going to therapy reguarly, what is to prevent me from cutting inbetween visits.. Unless I endanger my life then they can't really do a damn about it. Its a commitment that I need to hold myself to. I need a line to be drawn to see - if you do _____, then ______ happens. But not groundation, thats the wrong answer. I know what I need and I bet I seem like a low case compared to those with much more complexities to them. But fuck, I don't care. I need help.. but in a way I don't. I know I could live with cutting if I hid it well enough. I could, really, but I did it for my mother, my future, and very lastly my self. Even in the beginning I didn't want to stop for myself. I could care less what happens to myself.. Not to be conflicted with myself love.. its a long and confusing theory that I've yet to state here, but dear reads dont fret, one day I will... Perhaps as a Christmas present I'll post it on the 25th.. the theory how to love and hate yourself all at once. I guess its a date then? But anyway. The longer I hold of cutting the better it feels the next time I do it... Hrm, what a perfect analogy for this. Ah hah! Alright, picture this. A 300 pound woman goes on a diet. Within a year she looses 150 pounds. She has had self determination.. but she doesnt want to change her body for herself, but for the better of others. Her diet was based off all healthy foods and icecream, candy, pasteries, etc were forbidden. But she's skinny now and she believes that she can keep it off... she takes just the smallest bite of icecream... but then instantly dives into her old habit of eating. It feels wonderful, because she's delayed her desire for so long. She gains back her weight and then starts the diet once again. This is what the process cutting is like. You try desperately to lose your cutting desires.. and you do.. and finally you say to yourself.. 'Alright, just a little cut.. ' but it feels better then all the other times because of the delay.. and you cant stop.. You've become a cutter again and then try again to lose desire.. Over and over. Think about if you had to live life that way? Well picture perfect, the best I can get it... its all just an imagery that you'll never get until it happens to you yourself.. but one day you'll understand. Well, I'm out, I've got some thinking to do.
Courtney