Last night was odd for me. I did something that I've never done before. I broke down entirely.. and to Cande. Now usually, I am the strong one. I remind her twenty four seven that Keisuke does love her, that things will work out alright, that school is almost over, and Spring Break is almost here. But somehow my ray of hope vanished... and my innermost feelings exposed. I mean, I don't claim to keep everything inside, but when it comes to watching over those closest to me, I try to keep my problems and emotion away from them. It helps them to be better assured that what I am telling them is the truth, that everything will be okay, if I am in turn okay myself. If that makes sense? I don't know. I apologized to Cande for not being able to be strong this time... for not being able to be the person I usual am. I learned the meaning of leaning on someone. For so long my sole focus was having people lean on me and I would be a guide for them when things weren't going quite right. But it was her, not I, last night giving the reassurances. Finally peeling away my last shreds of doubt and curiousity. I felt better in a sense knowing that this ideal of helping works both ways. In a world where there are so few to lean on, it felt nice to finally need help. To just look at someone and tell them that you no longer believe your own words, and you need to hear it from them. And she told me. Over and over... everything would be alright. I believe her I do. But I also told her that everytime I glance at those scars.. they stare up at me.. laughing in doubt. Telling stories of nights alone with endless amounts of questions.. and absolutely no answers... of times when I wasn't sure what was going on.. when I had the be the strong one so I couldn't break down.. I couldn't tell Cande that I was cutting.. loosing myself.. because I had to be strong. This sounds so pathetic even to my own ears as I write this.. but this is the way it was! No lies do I tell. I'm battling now with my own life's pursuit...will there be a future for me at the end of this road? I, the endless planner, need to know what will happen. Will Cande accompany me to College and start something that we've promised to do together? Will I go off to college alone, finally disbelieving in a lie that I've lived all my Highschool years? Will we ever meet two people, so far away, yet oh so close in person? Will we ever all live together.. will I get that happily ever after I so desire? I, the director of my life, cannot tell the future.. and it's scares me. I need to know.. I must know.. things that cannot be set into stone. I want desperately to write something permenant that cannot be written permenantly just yet.. Too many variables.. too many things that could happen inbetween. I want the ending to be written out so I can look forward to it! I don't want to look forward and see question marks clouding my distance. I have it planned in my mind, the way I would like it to be. But when? How long can I delay myself from knowing? Curiousity that pecks and pinches at me, continously telling me to find the answers I so long to have. But even if I wanted to know, who could supply these answers? The endless wandering writer, needing to know if writing is the right career? Will I end up on the street with a hopeless dream called a manuscript in hand, homeless, and a frowned face.. sighing in what life has given me? Will I live in a house larger then I've ever lived in before.. typing away at the words that would eventually form chapters into my next novel.. getting up occassionally for my next fix of Vanilla Coke, only to be greeting with the smiling faces of Nakaruru and Yuuriko.. Spending the day working, having them visit me every so often.. and then finally later in the day, that familiar creek of the front door as it opens. Yuuriko's lover, Keisuke, waltzing in wrapping her up within his arms. I finally remove myself from my writing depths and spend the rest of the evening among those who mean most to me? Will things be like this? Or am I a hopeless dreamer.. wanting the answers that are telling me, "Not Yet." I need to know. I want to know. Who will tell me? And who.. can I ask?
Courtney