I'm so mixed up right now I can't really place it at all. When one situation goes up another goes down. It's a constant roller coaster I can't stop. I want to cry... but see if I cry, I'm afraid of what people will say when they see me display such a powerful emotion infront of them. Either they'll think me weak and just desperate for attention.. Or perhaps they'll take me seriously.
My heart is breaking.
Over and over I hear it split into two. I do it of my own accord and I know it. Things that I don't think I could erase even if I was given the chance. But it just seems right when I think everything is where I know they are.. everything scrambles about. Then I don't know where anything is. I don't know a damn thing. But isn't that most things in life? You never really know where you're going and where you'll end up. Only that you're not dead before you're thirty.
It's been so painful. It's just starting to hit me now. Life has jerked my heart to the surface of my chest. Broken my rib cage and shattered anything in the way. Blood pours but Life pays no mind. One more tug and I'm done for. It will be the end of me in this town. My home. The day I leave he'll tug slightly.. after I kiss and hug each of my loved ones.. I slip further and further with each goodbye. I'll drown in my salt tears. And then.. at that final moment. I'll say goodbye to my house. Fingertips running up those age old walls..footsteps soundlessly up the stairs. And he'll do it. My heart will be cast to the floor. I'll watch it. He'll smile and push me into the car. I'll drive a million miles away from this town.. that house.. those people.. my heart.. To do what?
Start over new.
New town.
New house.
New people.
New heart.
The same memories.
It's heart wrenching even now. I'm gasping and begging even as Life's grip is slight. It's barely even there at this point. But I feel it. When I sleep. When I dream. When I look at those around me. I know it's coming. And they, well they know too.
Goodbyes and I'm sorries will mean more then ever at that point. But I'll just embrace them and nod. I'll cry and sob.. I'll curse and hate. Only to do what?
Meet new people.
Go new places.
Keep my secrets.
Finish Highschool.
Go onto College.
How is it that I'm not ready for this? What would happen if I said I didn't want to go? Too late.. all I get is an, "I don't want you to go either." And perhaps that's all one can tell me. They don't want me to go either. But could they stop it? No? Stop the moving truck! Cease the packing! Turn back on the Cable! Put food back in the Fridge! Give me back my Bed! Let me sleep in my room, my sanctuary! Only in my dreams.
I'll move.
What choice do I have?
None.
I'm a military child.
Although I never signed up for this life.
I'm a military child.
Even though at times I wonder what it would be like to grow up in the same town.. Marry there... have children there.. and let the cycle begin again.
I'm a military child.
But why is it they allowed this military child to remain seven years in this place, when I was only supposed to be here four?
Torture?
To make it harder when I left?
I'm a military child.
I've no choice.
Things are out of my hands.
All I can do is sob.. and leave my heart for the next military family to find.
Suddenly. I hurt worse then ever before.
But enlightment for the day?
Just wanted to let you two know I'm still alive.
I love you Yuuriko.
~Keisuke
[ Keisuke's back. Scratch a stress off the list. ]
Courtney