That song by Aaliyah is playing. " Try again. " You know, that really is the only song of hers that I ever liked. Good none the less. Today was eventful I would say, and I didn't even go to school. I wont post any logs in here.. because it was a very short conversation. Talked to Keisuke again. It would seem that he's disregarded is ' drawing attention ' to himself, giving into the temptation of talking to Yuuriko and myself. Well of course, Naka is always online talking first. But that comes with the territory. She's very cute and pleasant to talk to. ^^;; I don't mind her company at all. If anything, its a brightener in all of this.. ' mess. ' I got working on two theories about the Firm today. I'll post them here after I get done with my entry. I need to clean my room, get homework done, do some chores. I've been neglecting things again. Everyone's so busy this weekend, so I'll pretty much be off on my own until about Sunday. I've been going inbetween lately. Back and forth. I haven't cut since Decemeber 14th. I thought that it was November 24th, but I was wrong. Thats a long time... of not giving in. Of not throwing it all to chance and running that blade across my skin. Let me tell you, it has been quite difficult. In the midst of confusion and doubt, my last resort would be do to that. To bleed myself until I couldn't think. To cut until It didn't hurt anymore. Till I couldn't question my everyday dreams and thoughts to no end. But now, instead of running away... I'm facing it. That is some rough confrontations... the worst person to have to confront. Myself. To wrestle the thoughts of going in my closet, of opening that draw of pain, and taking each out one by one. First the razor, to set the cut. Then the knife, to make it deeper.. Then the needle, to penetrate and finalize the scar. It's a love hate relationship. I miss doing it, because things were easier that way. But the easiest things in life aren't always the best way of going about things. Although I haven't been able to bring myself to throw those instruments of self infliction away, atleast I dont use them anymore. : sigh : Thats the okay part about it, I suppose. Each visit from him makes it easier to resist. Each confirmed thought or doubt makes it easier to tell myself no. Each day that goes by without a fresh wound upon my wrist is better then the last. I always catch myself looking at my wrist, those scars, bold as ever. Remembering what I was thinking at that exact moment when I started that scar, and the relief I felt when I finished it. Then I remember the stress it put me through. Hiding my secret obsession of slicing myslf away... My heart is open.. waiting for something to happen. Im glad these things are over.
Theory Un. xxxxx
The Firm is located in Japan somewhere. They have certain teams located all across the world. Of course we know all the nonsense of them having to relocate teams every so often yatta yatta for preserving the fact the teams ' dont exist. ' Orders come in through the Firm and word is sent to an ' Informer. ' Probably the eyes and ears, and in this case I'm suspecting Oracle. She passed the word and they set up. I'm sure the ' contract ' is within the area they are located in . ( Although this makes me wonder because he once mentioned that the US was his ' Safe Haven. ' ) They ready the hit for a certain amount of time. Kei does the initial deed and the work is done. The firm processes the money and the process starts all over again. They allow him his internet life because it is an outlet for emotion. He Roleplays his passions and frustrations through Lestat and numerous other characters. Oracle once told me that he was feeling ' under the weather ' because he wasn't Rping a million hours a day like he used to do with Angel before she left. She told me that the Firm didn't want this to happen considering the chance that he could go to work feeling a little ' off ' one day. This could be detrimental to alot of people and the whole operation completely. In this theory, he is entered into the Firm from a Family Stand point and family honor holds something to him. Of course, that was before he had properly identified the feeling of ' love ' thanks to a certain someone. Some how.. perhaps through monitoring computer conversations, word of the team, or un known ways, the Firm found this little piece of information out. This could be used against the Firm of any of the ' contracts ' some how found out about this. If you were held at gun point in front of him, I'm really sure that he would do everything necessary to get you out of that situation. Causing conflict and unknown probablities. So, with this information of his little ' love emotional fit ' they relocated him, passing it off as needing to preserve the fact that he doesn't exist. and telling him to forget everything that once existed before now, non firm related. Of course thats awfully difficult considering ' No matter how high the price you cannot walk away from love. ' Therefore, he came back and voila. We're at this stand point. But also.. if he had thoughts of ' getting out '.. what would happen? Even if he went against his family honor, the steps he would have to take, considering I'm assuming he's one of their top assassins. So perhaps he's already tried asking to get out? Or demanded it, and they threatened about Naka. So that would be why he's still there and why this situation is still waltzing in circles. ( End of Theory Un. )
Theory Deux. xxxxx
Sections of the Firm relocate when ever the teams do. The HEADQUARTERS of the Firm resides in Japan, but they send out heading officials after the Teams to monitor everything going on. Which would address the fact that when I called people other then his Team were there. Perhaps they were the Firm officials from that new area This would also be why he talked about ' not drawing attention ' to himself on the computer. Perhaps that all of his screen names are being monitored for conversations with old people.. and plus, they were part of the ' old ' him. So.. he wouldnt be able to get back on them anyway. Instead of creating a new screen name and creating survalience problems he just stuck to using hers. I can only wonder what he does about his sister's privacy. I'm pretty sure that he'd do what ever precautions were necessary to keep her from there prying eyes. Maybe some regulation about her being non firm related ( even though she knows about the ' peoples ' >D ) and so they cant touch her really. That could be their downfall, considering that he is contacting us through her. ^^;; I also assume the same for the phone. I think if he were to pick it up while it was ringing and not let it go to the voicemail, it would be monitored.. but if the bugging still stands to what he did to the voicemail, the voicemail leaves a message immediately with Naka. ^^;; This can really make a person think. ( End of Theory Deux. )
Courtney