I stayed home today. I woke up at about 2:04 a.m. according to my digital alarm clock clutching my stomach in pain. I have no idea what this was. I was half in a dream state, so perhaps I was imaging things. It wasn't until I looked the clock I realized that It wasn't time to get up. This confused me because at that time while I was in pain, I thought that I was about ready to get up from school. So of course, you can see my surprise when I still had a few hours of sleep left. I fell back asleep and then awoke when my alarm clock. I was painfree but still groggy. Lately I've been in an awkward mood. I wan't to yell at everyone for nothing. Everything just isn't enough for me. I've come to a conclusion that I have isolated myself in this place. Yes, by god I've done it again. But back on track, I crawled into my mother's bed and begged her to let me stay home today. Finally she gave in and I went back to sleep. For some reason, I just couldn't face the day. I didn't want to go to school, filled with a million faces who wanted nothing to do with me. It was something that was overwhelming even just in thought. My illusion I've created has been demolished. But I suppose that everything is going to be okay again, soon. Spring break is in less then 26 days and my relief will be coming. The lacking support from people I know here is suffocating me. I've lost everyone and all I can do is complain about it. Clearly, they don't want me otherwise they wouldn't have ignored my attempts. I wrote Tricia an apology and not once since then have our eyes met. She hasn't spoken a word. And I don't blame her, I make it impossible for anyone to enter my world anymore. I've been hurt too many times. Too many friends have become my parade of distant unbelievers. I can't stand anything more, to share innermost secrets, things that I deal with all the time... to watch them walk away with a person who I thought I could count on. So I'm not going to try anymore. Goodluck for those who attempt to befriend me... I'm tougher than stone now. Honestly, this isn't me... but now it has to be. I can't be spreading my life out everywhere now can I? Half everyone who's gone now.. probably roll their eyes when someone talks about me.. Thinking in their minds. " Poor little Courtney, stuck in her world. " Erika makes comments all the time about how I don't have a life and how I should live in the real world. Honestly I don't think she realizes how hard this hits me. I do live in reality, just not the sugarcoated one that she's in. Not the ones with boys, dates, homework, and dances. Not the ones with anorexia, dying to be with the in crowd, and wanting to just be liked.. That reality does not belong to me. As sad as it is, I guess. I don't really know how to put this into words. It hurts me everytime how I know she's right. The whole school may as well view me as a loser with no fucking life. I mean, to be honest, they don't know what happens in my home life. They don't know a thing about me. So from outward appearance, I'm silently lost, wandering the sea of highschool with no one. I have no attachments here anymore.. I'm ready to get the hell out of dodge. I'm sick to death with broken promises of a two way street, some saying I failed to meet them halfway. I'm disgusted with those who have just left me to rot in my seemingly own place of curiousity. Those who left me when times got hard.. when I needed just one of them to tell me He was real. That was all I wanted, whether they believed it or not. That night that I called him and the phone was temporarily disconnected? They offered no ideas or excuses.. they told me it was finally the prove I needed to start my life. He wasn't real. And I had to tell Cande he wasn't real either. I could finally "get a life" in there eyes, not consumed with utmost curiousity. In my eyes they turned their backs on me! Right when I needed at that moment.. just someone to go.. " He's real, why are you doubting? " Did they? No, of course not. They were focused on getting me back into the highschool reality. I remembered how I cried in the backseat of the car.. I couldn't see a damn thing. The tears kept coming over and over. The single streaming of ever coming thoughts... lies and deciet.. How was I going to tell her? How could I ever continue onward knowing that a good part of this new found curiousity of mine was a lie! I went home that night.. and I don't think I've ever cut that deep. Over and over, I needed something realer then what they provided me. They flat out told me he wasn't real... and my reality clashed and met with their reality. I passed out from blood loss and woke up the next morning unhappier then ever. My friends here had failed me.. every one of them. I was left to tell Cande of something I couldn't bare. I'd rather die than tell her that he wasn't real. I spent month after month reassuring her he was.. only to go and say he wasn't? Simply miscommunication and misunderstandings. I wen't dispondant. There was no way I could continue with anything. The harder I tried, the worse it got. The day went in a series of slashes, each drop of spilled blood both a facination and reminder that this was real. If I could feel pain then atleast I was still living. I hadn't gone completely numb.. but it was consuming me completely. The thought of having to tell her was dying from within my thoughts. I tried to even pretend it didn't happen. And as I look back now? It seems so pointless, all of it.. The absolute reasoning of why I can't keep a single soul close to me who isn't already apart of this odd world that I've been allowed to be apart of.. It's a stupid reason and I wish It didn't have to be. But it is.. and I can't change that.
Courtney