Thinking more and more on my old 'self' now. I've got homework I need to do. That was one thing.. when I was the 'old' Courtney, I did my homework all the time. I didn't procrastinate like I do now. It's a daily inner struggle. I wonder if thats one of the signs of sexual frustration. Oh WAIT! You can't be sexually frustrated if you're still a virgin. Of course, that is never a bad thing. Perhaps I should take Mister Kei's advice. Things may not go back to what they 'were' but they can get better. I think the old Courtney is officially dead. I can't go back to that. I didn't hold the complications I do now. I mean, seriously, if you were to throw a hershey bar at the old Courtney, that would make her world. I remember getting worked up over the smallest things. About being shy and also wanting to be noticed. These were my middle school ambitions talking. I sought to be the best at myself, now I'm settling for what I know I wont have to bend over backwards for. It was like, I lost all taste in life. Not really, more like the optimist in me died as well. Of course, I have occasions when the optimist, " Rainbow Brite. " as it's been nick named, comes back.. especially in the Kei x Cande situation.. but my old self was Rainbow Brite. It was my main priority to S M I L E. Now it doesn't really matter. The day is still going to continue whether I weep or grin. Once I learned that.. and the realist / pessimist woke up. It's an odd combination. I am different people towards different situations in my life. The sun is setting.. it so beautiful. But enough on the 'Old' Courtney. She's gone. No use in wishing her back. I'm making due with what I have become now. I've toned down a bit, although I do tend to laugh all out when get roused to do so. I do tend to be happy when the occassion bribes me for it. Emotions haven't died, just settled alittle. I used to laugh at anything, I used to be happy for no reason. I think that I'm starting to grow up.. Wow.. I think about when I first started this diary. How much I have.. ' grown ' as a person.. as a young woman. All of the dillema's I've dealt with and left barely scarred. I am lucky. I'm here! but.. just not the eighth grade ' OH MY GOD I CANT MISS AN ASSIGNMENT ' perfectionist at school work know it all little girl. Now I'm somewhat of the everday normal inbetween dont notice me I live in my own world but I can be friendly if you reach out for me type of gal. I like it that way, I guess. No time for guessing though. I'm going to go to Tricia's. Mmm. I need to take a nap.
Courtney