I don't really know what's going on around me and its an overall unsure feeling... It's like I'm standing still and everyone and there problems are spinning around me. For once I'm dealing with myself.. I really don't know what to make of it, but that is just that. As for the whole letter writing thing? Brant, don't sweat it. I don't need a note from you during the day to be happy. We talk enough. : shrugs : Its all good. As for Stacy? I do hope that you start feeling better. I apologize for not showing you my concern for your lack of abscence quicker then I did yesterday. It's half my fault, and half not my fault. But yeah. I left my ID car at home today... So mom is going to throw a fit when she picks me up from school today to go to Mrs. Nementhy's office. I'm dreading and wanting to go there at the same time. : sighes : Yeah. This whole week has been too full of stress. I'm freaking out. I HAVE to study tonight for Humanities. No ands If's or buts. It's no one's job but my own, and I'm trying to wonder when I'm going to realize that. : leans and sighes : I forgot to eat my breakfast, I dont have lunch money, and I'm in a .. " I look like shit " day.... Ahh, but its alright. We put the Christmas Tree up last night. It was a little more hectic then what I would have liked it to be. Mom was getting all frustrated and Chelsea was being a brat. God, lately, I don't know what to do with her. Her rolling eyes, smacking her words, acting like shes black. I mean.. I'm not racist. I've never been! But this is ridiculous. Its gotten to a point where I'm ashamed to be seen with her in public. : closes eyes : I don't know what to do about that. It's like shes quite confused.. and everytime I try to make her aware of what shes doing, she gets defensive. And I understand that she likes acting like that.. and all of her friends are that way. " You are what your friends are. " I cant compete with that... It's just an overall concern. I don't know exactly how I am going to make ends meet for Christmas. You know for once I wanted to get things for everyone and have that anticipation of " Yes! I got the perfect gift for them! " But.. thats going to be damn near impossible to accomplish now.. with a hole in my pocket getting bigger due to the fact that money was never there. I need a job.. ahh. : sighes : Oh the wonders of being completely and absolutely young. Everyone is so excited about getting that 'perfect' gift for everyone. I have all these people who say, " Damn, you're going to love my gift.. " But I'm sitting innerwardly trying not to feel like crap because I probably wont have enough money to get presents for my own goddamn family, let alone all my wonderful friends. : sighes : Its to a point where I've contemplated not going to the sleepover, to spare myself of the humilation the next morning. I feel selfish.. but how is that possible if I didn't take anything away? : closes eyes : Its a complicated thinking position really. I know that mom is going to go through hell to make ends meet this Christmas, especially with Dad gone. But when he gets back, which should be soon, I know that she'll be in a better mood.. atleast I'm hoping anyway. I'll probably just do my Christmas shopping for everyone after Christmas.. my mothers side of the family loves to send christmas cards with money as gifts.. so I'll just save it up and spend after the holidays.. Making the best with what I have of course.. And I guess after holiday sales are always a plus. : sighes : It just.. defeats the purpose in a way. I feel really bad about these kinds of things. Money is always a topic that I'm afraid to discuss with my mother. She gets all hostile about it, says she never has enough of it, yet spends it more and more everyday. I dont really know how to explain this either. I'm very.. well... I know when to ask for things and I know when not to. On average clothing is something that is a rariety that I get to buy.. I never ask for anything big out of occasion. but its gotten to a point where she's denied me books at times! And I don't know.. I can't really see through her perspective so I don't know whats going on in her mind. : lays on desk : Well enough of this second period rant, I'm off to read somemore MegaTokyo. . . I HAVE To study for exams.. I can't let myself forget. I've just come to realize something.. I have terrible studying habits.
Courtney