Wow... I guess I'm just a shitty friend. I can't shake this feeling that I got when I read other peoples diaries. It's like the moment I even think about going to be with someone else they get upset. damnit, I dont know what to do. Its so early in the morning, so cold. The last days of autumn are soon to be found. And it seems if the season goes so will my new found happiness. In the past few days...weeks....a month even.. Ive been the happiest that I have been since recent events. I cried again last night. Alone. The first time that I've been able to cry alone without hurting myself. Now I wont lie to everyone and say the thought never crossed my mind.. but yeah. I've got to leave for the bus in a few minutes, but I've got some time I suppose. I'm just at a low spot... I forgot to do.. or rather just knew about and didn't do homework that I had. I was just too, unconcentrated.. didn't feel like it. But oh well, who gives a damn. It seems that lately it really doesn't matter anymore. I'm stuck in a repeative process and I'm sick of bothering people about my problems. It seems like a bother anyway....they sigh... tell me to just get over it... and then deem it fixed. Now this doesn't go for everyone, god's no.. but thats the majority of what people's advice is turning out to be. Great, now I'm crying. Fuck. You know what? I just .. I dont care anymore. Maybe Its the actress again in me guys, she wants so desperately for someone to just save her from her reality that can only exist in a money making world. I dont give a damn so why should anyone else? I've heard that something has happened to Brant, I'm still in the dark... and I'm worried about that. But what does it matter? I'm always a day behind in all of my friends lives....so...who cares? No one. Or atleast they shouldn't. I'm becoming a waste of space.. Impossible to love... and my friends just... Oh I dont know. Erika. Know that if I didnt give a damn about your diet I would have never studied about anorexia till 5 in the morning. But hey! If you call that not caring?? GO right ahead, PLEASE be my guest and say that I dont care. Maybe then I can just be the terrible person that so many people say I am. My mother, Ian, Jennifer... But again, the question. WHAT DOES IT MATTER? Ahh, Mark... Thanks for yesterday.. me laughing allows me to just forget everything. And another thing... I'm getting the vibe that people dont like Mark. I'm a mess... God.. Just shoot me before I do it myself. Joking.. keep your shorts on before I stab you.
Courtney