Finally an entry. I hate having the play catch up and explain myself.. apologizing for missed entries or in my case, the dozen of short ones.
First off, to be totally honest, I hate having my goddamn diary locked. That above all, pisses me off. But then again I remind myself that it was me who gave the link to others to read it. So this whole situation of having to lock a very liberated and strongly open diary was inevitable obviously. I guess having it locked prevents me from having to lie about things anymore. When my diary was open, I always kept things out that I knew would upset people in it. And then finally when I decide to be honest and truthful for once, it puts me into assloads of trouble. And in all honesty, I know I can't really argue over the fact that it was my fault. So there you have it. My fault.
I expressed exactly how I felt about things that were going on between me and Cande.. and well that brought a whole rack of problems to fall upon my head. She read it. Snapped... and threatened never to talk to me again. She said that this was finally the end.. that I was a manipulative person.. Oh hell you don't need to hear it from me.. just read this..
I thought I could possibly maybe see if you'd come around to your senses...but it's impossible. I think sometimes maybe it will just take some time to adjust to this real or fake you. But I don't really like this you' either way. So I can't be around it anymore. This is not just one decision made by me...but made by you as well. Your " I'm sorrys " I've expressed have no meaning to them anymore...You can't apologize for this one...and even if you don't care to apologize then that notes where you truly stand anyway.
So this is what I'm going to do...I'm going to send you what Naka made and sent you to you' and your birthday gift and then I'm done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. And if you still don't understand my ' Concepts' you wouldn't because you never take the time to understand who I am or why I do the things I do. Please...don't even respond to this, it's most likely I won't read it...or I might it depends. I think I've been pretty fair in this whole stupid ring around the roses ' situation. Good luck in future events and whatever you do I hope you accomplish to the best of your abilities.
So yeah.. later on after I cried without hestiation on her voicemail she finally got online and we talked things out. She apologized for her "Harsh Words." And things have been a little shaky ever since. But it's just one of the many issues that Cande and I always end up working through. Although this was the first real time in all our fights and her constant callings of committing 'suicide' that I actually believed she was going to leave. Faced with the mentality that Cande, someone who I will have had for one of my best friends for two years on the 21st, was leaving. Well that was enough to make me do very foolish and rash actions. I begged for her to not leave. I cried to Brant while he was in the middle of Hastings.. [ which I regret bothering him about for such a small thing.. something that he's always comforted me about but a sceanrio I'm sure he's tired of by now. ] That was embarrassing, truly. And then I came a realization while I was sitting in my considerably much smaller room in this new god-foresaken house.
I am always the one at the end of a fight. I am the one who's done the wrong. Not once has someone 'begged' me to take them back, told me they were sorry for something they've done wrong that they had seriously done wrong. No one has once wronged me so horribly that I reduced them to tears.
That scared me.
But then I remember the type of person that I am. I am soft, flexiable, able to be manipulated to someone else's will. I know I'm not a horrible person. But honestly, It always feel like I'm the one doing the wrong. Nine times out of ten every situation or problem that arises in my life dealing with relationships are always pegged, 'my fault.' And I don't object. I just beg for mercy, apologize out the ass, and try to make up for it.
Why do I constantly screw up?
Why do I constantly suck up?
I don't know.
I suppose we'll be seeing more of this interesting theory in later entries. It's quite a revalation that I really don't see myself forgetting anytime soon.
As for my life so far in Fort Benning. I am a non-existant nobody. Of course this is because it's in the dead middle of summer where I have no oppertunity to meet friends unless I actually leave the house and be socialable. But even then, it's difficult. So I really think I'll have to wait until school starts that I'll actually have any friends at all. That's a sad thought.
The house I'm living in now is small. Much much smaller then the one we were living in, on Fort Campbell. But regardless, it's a house. Everything is unpacked now. Most of everything is settled down. And although my parents are having money problems, I feel that I can finally stop and take a breather. I was running on egg shells and hot coals when we were living out of the Guest house. I didn't have my sanctuary of a room to retreat to. I didn't have my friends to hold me close. There was nothing to curb my constant and flaring attitude that I was throwing at my sister and parents. I was a mess without stabilization. But everything is back to normal now. I'm not as tense as before, or atleast I'm down to my normal levels of anxiety.
Keisuke came back on the 10th of this month. Strangely, I was unmoved by it at all. Happy that he was back, yes. But it changed nothing about my demeanor. I was unchanged in his abscence and when he was back. I've grown accustom to his leaving and returning constantly. It's no longer the heart wrenching tradgedy I made it out to be last September. I'm no longer cutting open my wrist's stupidly over something as small as that. Now I take heed that he's gone. Curb my voicemailing until he returns, and pop a little confetti when he gets back. To anyone who hasn't read entries or known me back in the September 'dark' era of my life, this is a surprising contrast. I feel proud of myself for it. But also very numb to many things concerning him now. There are somethings that we all have to believe in even though they may not be completely and absolutely true. Even if they have large wholes in the story and a large amount of doubt, there are sometimes we must believe in things. Keisuke is something that I've believed in so long that I don't question as seriously anymore. I mean sure, there's a lingering doubt that continues to stay within my mind always. But it's not such a big doubt as it was before. It no longer consumes dreams, it no longer consumes my waking hours. This is a change. And although I know it's for the better, sometimes I miss it. It gave me a sense of drama and something to care about. But I refuse, for my own good, to hold onto it any longer.
I miss the Fort Campbell scene so much. Often I find myself thinking about, "Calling Brant so we can round the gang up and do something.. " or " Go visit Erika and see if she's gotten any darker from her laying out to catch some rays. "
But then I remember where I am. And I look up. I'm sitting on my bed, staring at white walls. That's my first sign. My walls at Fort Campbell were a warm red. Now all I have is an alarming white. I don't like it at all.
And even though I don't like it know inside that eventually I'll grow used to it. Eventually I'll love Fort Benning with the intensity that I loved Fort Campbell. But truth be told? I only have three more years here until I'm off to college. It's scary really, because I've got an interesting comparision.
On the 21st I will have known Keisuke and Yuuriko for two years. Two years! It doesn't seem like it at all. Everything went by so fast. And think about that. How will three years go? Within a blink of an eye. That scares me and excites me all the more.
I understand now that my future is currently, unplanned. As much as I ranted and often raved about my whole 'plan.' Graduating and then moving to New Orleans to go to the University of New Orleans and live with Cande in an apartment. I realized that this may not happen. As much as I would love for this to be one of the things I "have" to believe in. I know it's not. So with the way my situation is going with Cande.. I dont know how my future will turn out. And I can't make last minute decisions. So in time I suppose.. I'll figure things out. But it really doesn't have to be set in solid stone at this point.
Seventeen more days until Brant, Larry, and Erika come down! God.. I keep hoping that they do come down.. because if they dont.. I'll be blowing out my birthday candles alone.
Almost fifteen now. How time flies, doesn't it? I can remember my last birthday like it was yesterday. I was in Maine, and my mother was screaming, "Why can't I have time alone without my kids! Go the fuck away!" She was fighting with my cousin. Hopefully this birthday is a little more promising than the last. But we all learn from our mistakes. So if they don't show up.. I suppose I'll be holed up in my room most of the day, considering that's what I do now, save from getting online when I can.
Courtney