Fucking computer. I was in the process of writing a diary entry prior to this before my computer totally froze. I don't know what's up with it, but I'm assuming it has to do with the factor of someone hacking into my aol account last night. Damn nerds.
If I remember correctly, I started this entry off by remarking about how one of my diaryland buddies that I used to read religiously--silenthedges, closed his diary. He had a suicide attempt that landed him in the hospital for ten days, it's been twenty five days since then. It woke me up from the dream world that I've been living in and bitching about this whole summer.
I've done nothing but complain about this whole goddamn place this whole summer, I realize this now. I've done nothing positive towards my attitude about having to live here, truth be told I don't even think I've even registered it yet. I've been here for almost two months, yet I haven't fully told myself I live here. Apart of me is still waiting to go home before school starts. After everything people have been trying to do for me in helping me cope. Trying to be supportive and understand that me having to move wasn't the best thing in the world. I didn't realize how much of a selfish bitch I was until now.
I mean damn, I can count so many people who I consciously know have it worse off then me. First and foremost, Keisuke. He's being torn from Yuuriko [ his lover ] and myself [ his little sister. ] due to his boss. Never once have I heard him complain about how he hates it. Never once can I recall him having to bitch to everyone in the whole fucking world about how it was unfair. Perhaps the occassional " I want to kill Tseng. " But he's an assassin, what more do you expect in a comment about something like that? So he hasn't really complained at all about it. And Jesus, Yuuriko.. she's reliving September all over again! The man she loves is being held captive from her. She can't see him. Can't talk to him. Although she says how much she wants to kill Tseng as well all the time, you rarely ever hear her remark over excessedly about how much she misses Kei. Next, Erika, the boy that she belives she's in love with might be moving. God can only wonder about how much crap she's going through because of that. I haven't been decent enough to lend her a helping hand at all, only call her to bitch about how much I hate it here. Further on the list would be Brant, as much as I bitch about how he's not the best in my book right now. He has to move from Fort Campbell to Oklahoma for his Senior year. Just when things started going good for him again. And what do I do for this? Nothing but secretly wanting to rub it in his face--- about how it was fucking time, he knows how I feel like right now. I am a selfish whore. Goddamn. I turn every situation that's not about me into being about me.
I suppose the only way to face this is to go to Maine, realize that going there is my vacation for summer vacation, not Fort Benning. Fort Benning is my home. And when I return from Maine, I'm going home. Home to Fort Benning. As much as I am reluctant to say that.
Still not able to note more on the family problem outside of my immediate family. Maybe later.
I had a dream last night about my Dad, my sister, and I going to the beach. He pushed me in the water while I was laughing for him not to. I was happy in the dream. I want to be happy like that again in real life.
I haven't cut since--- and I threw the razor blade away. So, perhaps I'll follow through with my promises. I'm hoping such anyway. -_-;;
Well, it's off to pack and get ready for tomorrow.
Courtney