Sometimes you have high moments in your life, when everything you've really ever wanted is finally here. Finally. And then there are other moments, that most choose to block out of sight and out of mind, when everything you've ever tried to achieve seems so far. Im in the middle. Its so close, yet so far. Exactly 1,442 days far. ::sighes:: Yet, how can anyone blame me? I seem to have general anxiety disorder. It bothers me if things arent done, or I cannot do them immediately...I get reclusive right after things happen, and I am prone to thing the negative about things. Im often optimistic at times, and cheerful on the outside. But on occasion, I can fall into deep depression...the kind that you dont usually notice, unless you've known the person since kindergarten..which in my case is absolutely no one. No one really knows anything about the true me. Im feeling like Im living two lives. Really, and its eating away at me.
The first life that I live at school, around parents, and around respectable authority figures: The teachers pet. Favorite of everyone, or most that dont envy. Teachers call on you often, and ask if anything is wrong if you dont particpate. They expect more from you than everyone else. Your nice, your respected...your every parents dream of an academic student. You seem to have it made.
The second life I live alone, in my mind, and on the computer...no one seems to notice which of the two are the real me. : I am the problem solver, yet the gothic one. I role play constantly, mature for my age. All my friends are older than me. Every last one of them, with exception of one that is not with me now, and Emily...my lover. Oh yes, and did I mention that this side of Courtney was bi? Had bi-sexual intentions? Thoughts. Oh yes..Her and her love Emily. Emily just sent her a letter today, and she recieved it. But Courtney's hiding from everyone...and somehow. They dont seem to know anything about "this side" of me.
Lovely isnt it? Now you know both sides of Courtney. Tell me, do you really think me that bad? Oh but I do. Ive dishonored one to many people. They must think me a fraud after posting this entry. But what does it matter anymore? Im only 4 years away from what I really want. Freedom. And fuck everyone and anyone who stands in the way of that. No, I dont have split personalities. Im just one kind of person at school, and one kind of person when Im alone. Theres a diffrence. I also have control of my head. ::shakes head:: ::le sigh:: Mon Dieu, what am I to do?
Courtney