Sometimes I wish my life was quite like a story of mine that I am writing. This is the big one, I believe so anyway. This is the story that will rise me to fame. :sighes and thinks: Yeah, I'm pretty determined. Now that I've got the story and plot down, I have a whole four years to get out with it. Some people are beginning to think I'm crazy...That I'm to ready to grow up, and that heh....perhaps even at times act my age. I don't really know what my age is anymore. Society calls me thirteen, sure...but I don't think I could ever act like a thirteen year old. Things are to invovled and I just know to much to try to be a kid. I feel like my childhood years are over, and you know what? I suppose thats okay...I spent almost 11 of my years as a child. I guess I'm finally fitting in with the times now, everyones growing up. We're going to highschool next year, and no one can afford to be childish. I finally fit in, but as everyone is finally growing up....I'm years ahead of them in maturity. Alot of people ask me if Im 16 or 17, because I act it. This is a continous problem in my life though...Because of my maturity, it's causing me to get into trouble relationship wise. Heres were the audience goes, "tsk tsk" and I know what went wrong...:shrug: So what? I know now. I've got a writers heart, and a poet's soul. That should be enough for anyone, shouldn't it? I've been looking into numerology lately. And because I am a 3 day person...it gave a bunch of qualities that are ultimately mine. I was surprised, because usually Im not unto that predicting crap. I mean...hah. I tried being Wiccan once, but then I had a sense of just...it wasn't real. God is something that is here, but there is no real sign of him actually being here. Mandkind has done enough to mask all signs of that...and Im not quite atheist either. I know SOMETHING exists...I just...I don't know what. I suppose I'm lost, and I know I don't have to be. I go to church on Sundays occassionally at my Catholic church...but I can't say that I believe. I mock the words in prayer...I know all the words. I play the part so well. When my mother was talking to her friend, she told her that I would be the first one out of everyone to actually go to heaven. Thats how well I play the part. But there's nothing... I even read the left behind series..and when I read about the inbetween's like Chaim and Hattie Im on the edge so much..and I act like Im the actual believer wanting them to believe. But I believe in nothing. I am nothing. And I think that this source of no faith...or lack of it...is a minor fact in my feeling of not belonging. I don't belong to anything but my writing. I am a liar..I am a sinner. I know this. I can pretend so well. Perhaps I could give into God? Dont think it so easy. I am so kind...I am so cute...I am the forgiver. I believe in giving more than 2 chances...more like 15 chances. But as nice, and kind, and funny as I am. I have no faith. And that is a little ray of sunshine blotted out. Nice, isn't it? Mmm...the morning rain here also brings Emily with it. Just another poem she sent...and one I responded with. Im not quite sure what to do. Im at odds end with insanity. Take a deep breath and sigh. I just wish I had someone else on my side. My friends dont care much, and they dont understand. There is no one else, because AH HAH! There is a lack of faith. BINGO. and there you have it. I am the great pretender.
Courtney