Im afraid. Im crying. I cant think on the single fact that if my mother doesn't understand...that it will be over. I lied for a reason and Im crying for the very same. Perhaps this will be the very undoing of me. Take this much happiness from me in this big of an amount? Might as well shove me in the darkness again and strangle me with it. Im so afraid of the dark now. I'm going to be put back in it if she doesnt understand. If Ian and I cant convince her. I cant go on without him. I cant lose him. I know its childish. I know its crazy. I know its insane. I am all these things. Im crying in fear! Fear fear fear. I cant let it go. I cant let him go. My one constant. Something that is holding me safely! I know I worry too much. But I worry things that can happen. Oh I cant let this be the end of me. It cant be the end! Such a small reason. Surely she'll understand? I cant even see through this ruined mess that has been created around me. Tears. Depression. The doors opening again. Im staring my own sadistic nature in my face.. If I cant have him. I will be so lost. I cant stand the fact. I know its childish. I know its crazy. I know its insane! My mind tells me these things all over. Such a small reason. Im becoming repeative right now, and cant see. If she doesnt see. A little part of me will die. Hell, why doesnt all of it just die? I feel an asthma attack coming on from my paranoid panic. Perhaps I shouldnt take the inhaler. Perhaps it would allow me not to await this outcome. Im afraid! Im fearing. I need him to hold me. I need to cry in his arms. I need him to tell me everything will be okay. To hear his voice. Does anyone understand?! Sucidial thoughts with needing something so badly. I try not to be negative. Im trying so hard guys. No depression, no cutting, no ending of life. But it seems this way. If I let him go? I let most of the happiness in my life leave as well. I CANT LET HIM GO! They cant make me. Some how. Some way. God. I dont believe in you, but please, believe in me. Stop my tears. Give me some peace of mind so I can sleep. Dont let insomnia consume me. Please...just...let me wake from this nightmare in his arms. My last prayer. Im afraid. Fear. Every breath. I must go. Before this attack gets worse. Ill take my inhaler for now.
Courtney