Nyah. The last thing I want to become is someone who sighs and groans when things don't go my way. Have I really come down to this? More and more everyday I learn things about myself that I wasn't aware of. So what do I do about it? I learn all this things that I want to make a positive effort to change. Honestly I do.. the last thing I want is Yuuriko to start avoiding me because she just doesn't want to deal with the way I handle situations.
It's complicated now.. my usual personality of worrying has gotten me into quite a fix, hasn't it. So what to do what to do? Honestly I can't really remember the last time I didn't worry.. if that makes sense. I mean again I don't want to blame anything on Kei, but damn, while he was gone thats all I did. So now I guess I don't know how to deal with not worrying. Take a chill and sit back? Try not to worry. I feel kind of foolish for telling Yuuriko last night about the things I was scared about. It seemed more childish then anything I've done in awhile. She told me to just stop worrying. I wasn't sure exactly how I should have taken that.
But here I am.. trying to make that effort again. How do I become the person that I used to be, the one that made me friends with Yuuriko to begin with? Who was I then, what were the things I did? That was two years ago, I can barely remember you know?
Or perhaps I've just changed too much as a person to go back to that..? I mean maybe this is the mess of the person that I've become and this is all that I can be for now. I don't know.. but what I do know that I will do anything to prevent Yuuriko from avoiding me. I feel bad enough that she's thought about it and even worse that she noted it enough to put in her diary. But atleast that way I know what I'm doing wrong?
I feel in a way that I'm selling myself out...trying to revert back to something I have no conception of. Hell, basic bottom line? I don't want Yuuriko to distance herself because I've become a boring, frustrating, sighing, groaning, and just draining person to be around. But how do I fix this? I wish someone could tell me. I feel like I'm groping in the darkness for something.
Honestly, I thought that in these past few weeks I was moving towards the better, only to be informed from those closest to me it was bringing me down backwards.
But yes, this is definately going to be self improvement month for Courtney. Now if I could only get the manual. " Directions for Self Improvement, instant steps of 1..2..3.."
Hiya Yuu, if you're reading this. :nod:
Courtney