I'm trying, really trying. I think its about time that I've come out of my vacation state. I'm full back...and ready to handle things. I believe that this is a point where people need it most. Brant and Erika in general. They've been so wonderful in helping me overcome my ever constant dramatic problems in these past few weeks that I'll be in their debt for awhile. I want more then anything for Brant to just let me take care of his problems like he did for me. In such a way I feel horrible for letting him have control because obviously, look what its done with him. Perhaps it wasn't my problems in whole...but I contributed in some part. I want nothing more to just have full control of helping him, but Brant is Brant. I know that he wont, even if I were to pester and pester until my voice ran out....I want more then anything to be the one friend he can depend on. I can depend on him more then anyone that I have before. Both him and Erika....I just want to be the one that they both KNOW is going to be there. But it seems that lately I'm only helping the problem and not giving a damn about any solutions...praying other people will take care of them for me. I am exactly like Brant...helping wise anyway. Everyone before myself...and I think that he's done that with me. It frustrates me...because I know damn well how that feels. It puts you in a shit hole that its hard to get out of. Im trying right now to put puzzle pieces together of his puzzle that dont seem to want to fit together for him. Guys, I wish that I could be the perfect friend for him. I wish that he was comfortable telling me anything and know that I can help him. I wish I would allow me to just help him once without him having this guard up. :sighes: But I respect any decisions that he makes and the best that I can do right now is constantly ask how he is doing. Try and tie ends up where he cant entirely reach out to. He's helped me so much and all I want to do is give even the tiniest part of myself back to him....I want to be the one that he knows in the back of his mind that he can count on. I want to be enough be considered that 'one' friend that everyone always has. damnit, I dont know. I just want everything in his life for once be okay. All the shit that happens in his life, most of it is excess things that a person should never have to deal with. Sometimes its enough with just old entries of his to sit alone in a room and cry with. I see his pain reflected inside and out...and I want so badly to be that wonderful friend that can make him temporarily forget all the shit that seems to rear its ugly head in daily...I'm going to try my hardest.. simply because He's important to me and I want nothing but beautiful things to happen to Brant. He deserves so much and gives so much...yet gets so little. I want to make sure that he gets a tremendous amount back this time. Maybe I can make up for what people leave out. Maybe I can help him in just the smallest way. This isn't pity, fucking far from it, this is what you would call friendship. I'm concerened, I've identified a few things, And Im going to take action on it. Im not just going to say Sorry and leave it at that. Im not that kind of person. I want to give it all back. I nudged Stacy a little into calling him. I believe shes what he needs more then anything at the moment. Perhaps she should have done it on her own...but you know me. ::crosses arms:: I want to make him happy...He deserves it more then anyone Ive ever known.
Courtney