silentlylost's Diaryland
Diary
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In Circles
Stop this ride. I want to get off.
Erica & her mom had a fight again. I'm so lost right now, I don't know where to begin. Or even if it's the right thing to do. I'm worried. I'm scared. I am a million things I wish I wasn't right now and there's not a damn I can do to change it all. I would never give up on her and I would never leave her. Despite what the rule of anyone said. That's not fair to us. That's not fair to what we've been through together. Giving up now would be like giving up when you're almost there. I've just made it and I'm dropping it all? I think not. Surely, I'll be strong about this whole thing. Despite that I've been weak about it so far. I'm doing everything within my power not to crumble to pieces. I'm scared! I'm scared okay. More than anything right now. My life is so uncertain on so many levels. I can only put my hands over my eyes and try not to see it. Try not to see what will bring me down all over again. I love her with all my heart and that's the scariest part. To know that I love someone so much that I would do absolutely anything for them. Love is so nonsensical. [ did you know nonsensical is not in the webster dictionary? ] I don't know what to do or think right now. If she's okay or whether she's been kicked out. Whether she's strong or crying herself right now. I'm scared because I've not talked to her about this. I dont know what is going on. And I'm running on hope right now. Hope that tomorrow will be okay. Or that in the next five.. four.. three.. two.. one.. seconds we'll talk. She'll sign online or the phone will ring. So that I'll know what happened. So I'll know what we're fighting against. But not knowing is the silent killer. And right now, I know not whether I should cry or just be complacent.
Undecidingly yours,
Courtney
4:12 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2005
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