Fear. Something that scratches itself against my window at night. I'm afraid now more so then I ever have been before. Cande is going to kill herself and there is not a damn thing that I can do to stop it. I'm so confused on where I stand in her life anyway. Of course shes threatened this before... but never after busting her sisters face and enjoying in the sight of blood. I want so much to listen to those who are giving me advice. I dont want to deal with pain the way I have. My cuts have almost fully healed. The scars are faint and barely there and I was almost recovered. I dont want to re open those feelings that I have so much hatred against. But what else can I do? My relationship with Ian is at a serious dead point, but its because of my doing. I fell in love with the relationship and not him after while. I'm all the blame. I'm the freshman that fucked it all up. And for that I'll always have the title of bitch branded on my mind. My mother and I are at each other's throats and I'm so scared for her. I dont know what to do. Ive been doing entirely too much of that lately, just not knowing. I talked to Erika about Cande, or tried to before she got off. I think that I scared her a little bit with my hysterical non sense of words that I was typing. I was confused then and I still am now. And for that I apologize, Erika. I'm at a huge loss. I cant cry alone because I know what that does to me. Crying with someone there is easy... I did it just today.. the first time Ive cried in awhile. It felt okay having someone there listening while I just let it out. But now Im alone and of course its no ones fault at all... and for once, not even my fault. Ive got to reach a point where I can cry without having other people present, so I dont try to do anything with myself. Ian just told me to have faith. FAITH IN WHAT?! There is no fucking God, if there was he would have done something by now. Of course that's so cliche. A big fuck you to all who are saying in the back of your head I need to be saved. Well, guess what bitches? Ive been baptised three times and accepted god into my heart more times then I can count. Yes, Courtney used to lean heavily on faith in the younger age spectrum of her life so far. But then she got of the Catholic box that she was shoved in and she doesnt know what to do. Lack of faith and motivation. A big fucking "what do I do from now" stand point. I dont know, but what I do know? I dont want to cut anymore, but ladies and gentlemen, Ive got a need to not feel anything at this moment. Lets see which battles which out.
Courtney