I'm sure that people will be just happy to know that Ive been avoiding my entries here. I don't know...why really. I've been seeming to get alot of publicity around these parts lately ( wow, its a first, give me a second to let it sink in. ) So each entry has to be thought about carefully. Not for mistakes, not for anything else. Just for the simple fact that I dont want to piss anyone off. You know me, always the cautious one. I want to make everyone happy and if I could let it be, it would be my goal in life. I'm dealing with self issues. Parts of me I just wish that I could carve away, make different, and just altogether change. I dont understand that either. I mean, truly, I used to accpet myself for everything, there was a point where I loved myself. Every curve, every blemish, every scar, every birthmark, every flaw....But now it just seems the more I look the worse I hate it. I could never hate myself totally, simply because I know that I have alot running for me. This is nothing that any of my friends or family have helped along, The hating of myself is something that Ive been able to push away usually before it hits. Theyve always been positive, always always always. I dont know, argggh. Saturday morning and Sunday morning are going to be spent just walking and talking with Mister Jones. There are somethings that I want to tell him about in his 'vicious cycle' situation and a few things that I want him to listen to, considering he's my boyfriends best friend. No no no. Stop right there, I'm not breaking up with Ian. Nothing is wrong with us, quite the opposite what I've got to talk to him about really. So shut your trap and dont start rumors. Got it? Good. Tiffany's suppose to be coming over anytime now, but Im sorta wondering if she got lost or something. :closes eyes and leans back: Who knows. I want one day where everything would just be perfect. Where I wouldnt have to help someone with there life when mine is clearly falling right infront of me. I dont regret having a helpful soul, I love it to the death of me. But sometimes I regret. (dont start shit with that comment either.) I just want everything to go wonderful with everyone, so when I ask them, "How was you're day?" Then can give me an enthusiastic answer back, something along the lines of, "IM DOING GREAT!" But of course I just realize what reality I REALLY belong to and stop. Depressing isnt it? I havent written my father because Im so confused on what to say to him. REALLY what do you say to a man who is a solider in Iraq, defending this country that loves to have dictator tendencies, and is killing people and seeing the worse side of life. I just. Im at a loss guys. So many things and more..but maybe this is just the actress in me dying for the crowd to fall in love with her. Oh yes, come to me and let me dazzle you with my lies and painted rubies. Everythings fake. Wake up bitch, lifes not the perfect picture you want it to be.
"The greatest lovers were murderers first."