Sometimes I wonder where it's all going to end up. I look at this road I'm traveling, full of so many uncertainties. It's painful, it's... doubtful. I'm at a place where I just want to stop and have a good cry. Everything's right within reach, but no one will reach out to grab me. It's right there, so close. But my inability is more overpowering then ever. Wrong age, wrong place, wrong time Courtney. But what does it matter anymore? I hate people when they do this to themselves, so why am I allowing myself to do it? Hypocritical and tradgic, as all things are as they go further downward.
I feel doomed in more ways then one. The things I say are different then the things I do. Will I lose to myself? Will I cry? Sure, why not? It just adds more to this confusion. We all need a hand in our life at times, but no one will lend one. I'm in a game, a time where no one can. If you take that hand, there's a chance it'll retract. Sucicide. It's better than not even reaching at all then.
Stop me if I'm getting confusing, but it's not like anyone will. No one ever does. No one ever will. Going mad in my own sanctuary. Night after night I lie awake, my mind haunted by two options.
I'll either die in my mass of confusion and questions, plagued by each of them. I'll drown and suffocate, my words not even hearing. I'll look up at every face I pass, every little remembrance to the situation, going in pure insanity with the thought of it. I'll end up in the mental institution. I'm good enough right? Tell them I believe in an impossible theory. No one will believe me right? If I told my therapist this Tuesday, that I am in contact with a man who is an assassin, working against the Japanese government in an organization that I've so lovingly called the Firm. If I ranted and raved, told her everything I knew. She'd send me away. If I told her everything. I'd be on a first class plane ticket out of here and into the nut house. Such a comforting thought though. I could leave life. I could just get tired of wondering, of asking, of thinking, and have them send me there. I could lay around all day, staring at the walls of my padded cell sighing. Never knowing is safer then knowing. I'd be going insane from not knowing, but better that then going insane from knowing it was all not real.
Or, option number two. Become apart of what it is that I know about quite a lot. A more interesting and prefered end of my story tale, but a far fetched and confusing one. It'd be a happily ever after. I'd know he was real, him and Yuuriko could love each other, I'd be a writer. My dream life. But what a the chances? I'm beginning to doubt.
I want more proof then I've been provided. I need to know. It's obsessing every moment about me. I can't stop it no matter how hard I try. My thought process always leads back to the same place. I fear if I don't learn or get proof of something tremendous soon.. I will go insane. A less classical type of course, without the padded cell, and convulsions. Without the seeing ghosts or believing in things that aren't real. OH WAIT! I already do.. or atleast to everyone else.
So what do I do? Belief and doubt are battling each other to the death at the moment. I have free tickets, anyone want to watch? First come first serve.
Courtney