[ WARNING!!! : DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR NIGHT TO END BADLY. THANK YOU. ]
Being at the Christmas Recital tonight was wonderful, for all of you who played, congrats.. it was a beautiful thing to listen to. I enjoyed it throughly. I guess I almost got into that same habit earlier tonight and I'm doing it now. Thinking on something bad when everything at the moment is going oh so right. It really just.. It's killing me inside. I want someone to hold me and just inwardly tell me its already. And I could razzle dazzle you with my painted imagery colored words.. tell you how I'd love to interlace my fingers with another.. there bigger hand outsizing mine by double the space. To look stunning as the snow flakes clung to our clothing, my eyelashes, and hair that was fast growing wetter and colder by the second. To spend that winter wonderland with someone who I trusted beyond all measure.. to hug them close and call them friend. But I'm at the verge of tears now. Everything was going so right! I was having a wonderful day and its my own damn fault Im feeling like this.. I know it. But as much as I bitch about things between Mark and us never working out.. I just.. I'm dying inside. He may not be the best person in the world.. and neither am I.. And it just.. God.. in a way I feel like I've lost someone important. Perhaps its just my need to cling onto someone who could give me attention twenty four seven.. someone who complimented me.. who could laugh with me so much until it became unbareable to stand! Perhaps its just my need to dwell on things. Are things really over between us? I'm crying guys.. yeah.. please stop here if you dont want me to ruin your night.. because lately thats all I do. Thats why I dont call people anymore when Im like this. Why I dont ask for help in this state.. True, this the time where I need help the most.. but all it does is further worsen things.. I make their burdens heavier.. their thinking worse. And this goes for all, not just one person. And I'm not even talking about cutting. Its just the feeling in general. I'm like the little boy who cried wolf with the feeling of depressed emotion and now I've no one left who will actually tell me its okay to feel this way.. who wont tell me to cut it out.. or wont be dissapointed in me when my day was going so well and I just let it fall to shit. It hurts.. because.. I feel like I've damaged everyone in my way. I miss everyone. I miss you guys so much its unbareable. I'm seperated from the one last goddamn thing that prevents me from cutting most nights.. that one goddamn thing that I could say held me stable. You've no idea how it felt to be so low and lose the one thing that was holding you there. I went into hysterics.. The first time in history that Ive ever yelled at my mother and cried infront of her. She had taken away the one thing that was a remedy to the most awful thing I was going through. I dont understand how I've made it this far... every night I get that sinking feeling as I go to my room alone.. as I have been for most portion of that day. I wish I could change these emotions. I wish I could change alot of things. I feel like everything is just consuming me all at once. This isn't a plea for attention.. this is a log of thoughts.. ideas.. theories.. and fuck you if you think Im asking for attention. I put the warning at the beginning.. so.. God I dont know. Mark, if you read this.. call me. We've some things to discuss that I cant skirt around anymore.
Courtney