There are going to be things in my life that I won't be able to control. I sat in the back of Brants car today and I cried as hard as I wanted to. I just cried and cried and cried.. because I realized that everything people have been telling me is right. I realized that there is a chance that reality can and will happen and I can't be oblivious to it. I realized a lot of things tonight, without intentionally wanting to.
Fucking up with Yuu, as bad as it sounds, was the best thing that could happen to me at the moment. It made me realize that once you grow up, once you learn things, you can't revert back to the person you were before. You can't just go and 'unlearn' everything you spent months trying to. That's what I was trying to do. I wanted to become the person I was in August because it was easier that way. Screwing up with Yuuriko let me realize that reality does exist, I do have problems, but I am making an effort to fix them. That's really what matters now.
Brant told me that my attempt for something good, was better then the outcome of bad in the current situation. But after crying myself out, eventually I talked myself through everything with some guidance and prodding from Stacy and Brant. I understood concepts that have been biting me in the ass for just too long.
I set my mind on a safety default of worrying, overracting, thinking too much, and just concentrated on one single thing. Now that default is no longer needed, but I'm having trouble over riding the system. By making a mistake, I realized how to over ride it. By crying and identifying that there is a chance that my happily ever after of a future may not happen. Not to say I don't hope and pray every night that it will.. but knowing instead of hiding from the fact that reality just might happen, makes it easier to cope with. Easier to not worry so much about it. Murphy's law. Whatever can go wrong, will. I just need to stop hiding in this little world and start living. It's going to be easier now.. I know it will.
Yuuriko doesn't seem as upset at me, we had a wonderful conversation. She seemed pretty happy. Her mother gave her a cell phone. So yay! Voicemail out the wazoo now. Hn. I've got to go, I've got some things to take care of.. so I'm out.
Courtney