And how I want to die now. Not my mortal death, but my mental. A suicide IM in one night. I am at my lowest. nothing I can do or say will stop her. I am done. I want to cry. I cant. I want to scream. I cant. Im encased into a deep silence. tears come to bay. I am unmoveable. God, why must you foresake me so? I feel as Hester Prynne has. With that scarelet letter across her chest. Im dying. I am crying.. I am scremaing..I am moveable. I want to hold this person in my arms tight. They are so far away. I cant stand this. I want to run away. I want to cry. I want to cry more than anything. I cant. Something inside of me is not allowing me to. Josh and Savannah are sitting on the couch, snuggling...laughing. Chris and Erika..doing the same. I give up now. I want to cry. Cry for all the things ive done, and things I havent done. because often the things we dont do or say, are the downfall of us all. I have no will to sit myself infront of tv. I want to cry. I cannot. Why? it is because I am the barrier of all that is evil? Because I strive to make myself the way I am? I am the problem solver. I am. I truely am. Only..I cannot solve this problem. My friend wants to die. She wants me to let go. I cannot. . . I will not. She means the world to me. I want to cry. I cannot. why? Repeative over and over my life is. Fire and ice back to back. Someone please console me. Help me to change. I am crying now. I can cry? Oh god. Release. Only temporary. How can everyone be so happy? I want to die. I cannot. I wanted to cry..and now I can. I guess death and tears come hand in hand. Only someone dares not deliever the other half.
Courtney