I feel diffrent.. to say in the least of things. Exhausted throughly at the moment but still alive. I went through one hell of a night. But its on my own accord of course and its no body's fault by my own. I could fall asleep right now and sleep a million years. I have alot of people to thank at the moment, and most of them probably wont even understand what Im thanking them for.
Brant. You know what you've done and you deserve more credit then I can ever give you here. I'll always be your helpless case, a smaller version of you that you see somehow, and want to be the one that I come to. Thank you for that desire if anything.
Erika. Just being there at the drop of a dime when I needed it most. You didn't even ask questions, hestiate, or faulter to be at my side. I called you walked. Thank you.
Stacy. Reaching out for me when you haven't even the slightest of clue what's going on in this hellish head of mine. I look forward to conitnuing our friendship, there a few things that I'd like you to know more about myself.
I haven't been so scared. Watching the sight that I did last night. I feared for everything... everyone. I could only mutter the words of 'I'm sorry' over and over into the phone. Thats the only answer that I could really think of. Sleep delusional and so exhausted I had to stay awake. Again another was there for me at a critical point and time. You all were in your own little way. All of you were equal in 'saving' me. So many things I still have to do. Yesterday I lost all motivation and sight of everything that I once treasured. For once I didnt care about what anyone thought, for once I thought about myself and myself alone. And see what that does to me?? Causes nothing but more pain and makes me so blind in trying to see what I need to do. I need to help people, because the moment that I stop.....I take a look at what I've become and who I am.. And that hurts so much that I have the impulse just to hate myself and desert who and what Ive become. My need to make things out more then they are, my hatred that is so strong but buried under all the shit that I don't want to surface. Yesterday I hated everything about myself. The way I looked, my fuck ups, my family, the way I treat my friends, the things that just wont go right about myself...everything I have to deal with daily that I see no logic for. I hated it. And that hate was so strong within myself...anger that I have never once claimed before surfaced so easily. It was then and there that I had decided to take care of it. And of course I stumbled and I fell, enchanted in what I had done to myself...But again I picked up that phone and called. I was so afraid. Shaking.. Afraid. I can disguise my inner self all I want, but I know I'll never be able to run away from it completely. This is something I'll have to deal with myself. Thank you all of putting up with me and those of you who have cared enough to check upon me when I was at my worst. You knew something was bound to happen... and waited for me to come to you. But now I'm at a peace-depression sort of state. I've done my damage now I can only sit and wait for it to be undone. I'm half responsive.. I'm what I promised many people I would never be. If my mother ever knew about this side of me, I'd never see anyone again. And thats what I'm so afraid of. Becoming so destructive in my behavior that she does notice something, or one of my 'friends' who think they can 'save' me decides to tell her. Then I'll only be left with the after image of your faces my loved ones, because she'd ship me off before you could say schizo. :closes eyes: Cande wants to off herself.. but I really don't believe her this time around. But then again what if she does do it.....and I dont believe her. What a first meeting, huh? ( :bends on Candes coffin: nice first meeting. ) Wonderful isn't it? Note the sarcasm please. Oh so tired here guys. Weary but appreciative. Well...I suppose that I should end this before I get in trouble with this school. As far as they know I'm doing a worksheet.
"...I said that I don't need you. But I lied, its what I do..." - From Autumn to Ashes : Alive out of Habit.
Courtney