"...Court's been on my mind a whole lot as of late. I mean she always has been there. Since I first met her I have cared for her. I fell hard for that girl. I really did. I love her so much, and after everything that has happened between us I would still go back to her in a heartbeat. I know she doesn't like me, but I love her so much. I am pathetic. I am 17 and about to graduate and I am head over heels for a 14 year old freshman. I have concluded that true love knows no age, nor distance. I wish that I could repair everything that has rift that has formed between us. I wish I could heal every wound I have caused her. I wish I could just walk up to her and hug her and kiss the top of her head like I used to. I miss her messing my hair as we lay on her bed, whatching a movie, but really we were watching each other. I want to call her everynight and talk her to sleep when she wasnt able to anyother way. I wish I could just be loved by her again. I am such a loser. I am crying in the back office of Coach Langes class. I knew I shouldn't have written this. I knew it. It is nothing but wishful thinking and that is pointless. She doesn't like me around. Becca that is why I told you I didn't want her to go camping with us. Becuase it would hurt me to badly..." - Ian
There are people in our lives who impact us forever, who mold us into the person we are today. I believe I've made an everlasting impact on Ian. What happened between us was beautiful, as crazy and rushed as it was. I won't lie, I enjoyed it while it existed. Such feelings have died now, but it's not like I don't remember them. There were so many things to smile about, so many inside jokes, laughing. Kissing. His first Hickey. Ian... he was my first highschool boyfriend. A totally new and thrilling experince. And yes, anyone who asks? I did push him away. I did make him break it off. I did manipulate his mind to get him to yell at me that night. Execute me at the stake, it doesn't matter now. Who did it and what happened.. why it happened.. Mm.. back in September just wasn't a good month for me. Keisuke left, the whole world was caving down. I was running for the first time, running from everything instead of attempting to deal with things. Instead of fill Ian in on something that I highly doubted he'd believe... I pushed him away. How could I love someone who didn't believe something that was such a crucial factor in my emotions and life at that point. It was easier said than done. All I had to do was avoid and push. He said all there needed to be said.
So yes, I am a manipulating freshman bitch. Now that I look back on it, this is the first time I've really spoken about why our relationship ended back in September. It took awhile to get over... really it did... I didnt even start thinking about other guys until January.. but even then I was shakey. My adoration for him turned quickly to annoyance everytime I remembered that he wouldn't believe. That's why I can't stand being around him, those feelings stray and twist everytime I see him.
That and I realized at the last moment, we really aren't that compatiable. I'm not what he's looking for and he's not what I'm looking for. He's going off to College this Fall. I'm going to be continuing Highschool... and now from the looks of it.. I'm going to be moving to Fort Benning, Georgia on June 20th. As much as this hurts me, it all fits just right. I'm glad the relationship between us ended when it did, because if it would have been dragged out any longer there would have been problems.. such as we're seeing now.
Even though I am doubly more emotionally stable than I was back when he broke up with me, it doesn't mean I would want to go back. Too many chapters back that I closed, too many promises I made to myself. I hurt people, that's all I do. You do something I don't like, you do something I don't approve of, you do something or say something that proves disbelief in my 'hidden' situation, I hurt you. I leave you. I pretend. That's the way it is with me. Hopefully, one day...:sigh:
What I want in a man is very simple. Pull me away from the confines of the computer and ask me whats going on. But then again, allow me to go back to it when I please. Be infatuated with me, accept all my flaws. Smart. Be romantic... Be mature, yet don't head directly in for sex. Know that I'm not going to have sex until I'm married and that not ALL highschool relationships have to be serious. Maybe I'll find my Enshi when I move. :sigh: Further south means the less chance of asians, unless they've moved up from Florida.
Mail truck is here.. I'm going to check on the status of my mail. ^^;;
Courtney