I've been reading through my older entries, trying to figure out the whole basis to my journal. Whether it's a day-to-day log, whether it goes deeper, makes no sense, or just barely scratches the surface... I couldn't really say. I love most of everything I produce, as much as a down and an up as that can be. So when it comes to my own self critism, I'm not the best. I've had this thing for two years round about and four hundred something entries. Someone once told me when you look back and then flip forward, you should learn something about yourself. Maybe something you already knew, or something totally new. I can't find that. Other then noticing my entries got longer, around October things got rough, and my tendency to write about things I believe will be significant at a later date, what does this diary serve me? As a reminder of what I've gone through and what I've developed from? A haunting warning label slapped on all my entries about cutting? [ a stupid sensation dazzling this teenage generation as we speak. I'm appauled to say I was ever apart of it, but doubly happy to say that I was able to rise above it. ] Who do I write to? Do I write to please? All questions that have me at a slow. In this diary there are chapters to my life that even some people have no clue about. There are others that are well known facts. The introduction of Keisuke and his world are told here. The tale of my addiction to the computer. The small hints of my oddity of a military life, my father eventually leaving to join the war in Iraq. My cousin Shawna while she was on drugs... so many things and emotions. But do I give enough? Do I put it all down? I realize that perhaps I do get ahead of myself. When it all comes down to it I think this is a place for all my memories. Stories and poems, events and confusing theories. A place to write everything because my hand is just too lazy to write it down on paper.
That and I think I'm afraid of hand cramps. [ This is going to suck if I ever do become a writer. ]
But okay. So I have confided all my dreams in here, secrets, problems, worries, loves.. everything a diary should have. Structed to the unwinding of my own mind. What does it come down to though? What happens next? Will I keep it in future years? I hope so. Seeing myself evolve... it's something that I'm looking forward to in the future.
Courtney