I feel a lot like rambling. Today thus far has been okay, but I feel in some way that I've slipped into a world inside me that no one can see. Inwardly I'm preparing for Cande/Yuuriko ^^;; to come on Sunday, being nervous, overly happy, and freaking out. Outwardly, I must seem like I'm depressed, sad, because that's how I'm seemingly portraying myself? I guess in order for me to go inward to myself I have to cut of things outwardly? As confusing or misleading as that whole concept is, it exists. So, anyone who takes note to me today and goes, " Oh, Courtney must be getting depressed again... " save it for sometime important.
I wrote out a to do list as I've mentioned before but I'm not too sure when I should start it. What's funny is I have to keep a list or I'll lose track of everything that's going on in my head. I wish I didn't have to do that, just be able to sort things out and rely on my memory.. [ not to dumb myself down and say that I cannot remember anything, or pull out a false claim that I'm ageing near 50 and I can't remember where I put my teeth.. ] Hm, I guess that's just something about me. Oh well, we all eventually learn to accept the things about us.
I've been reading my archives lately and realizing how vague I wrote everything back in July. When I discovered what Keisuke did for a living, it being illegal and the whole scheme of things? I didn't even write about it, just randomly put down about how 'hard' everything was lately and that I willingly endangered myself. Eventually later on in the months when he was gone I wrote about it, finally telling this diary of mine things that existed for sometime. You never realize how much something means to you until it's gone. And luckily, for Yuuriko and I, it came back. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if he hadn't have come back. Cande says that she'd have gone after him herself if it had gone on for one month longer. Myself? I don't know what I would do. It was about December that I was able to pull myself out of the rut and stop my self mutilation, but that was even before he came back in January. So who's to say I wouldn't have gotten better? But who's to say that I wouldn't have just fell right back down? Just a thought, but one that I won't let linger for too long. What's done is done and it better damn well stay that way.
There are chapters in my life that even myself find unebelieveable, so asking others to understand is just as impossible. But to know that someone who believes in this just as much as I do.... someone that is in the same exact situation with me... is coming to visit me for the first time? I am overjoyed, excited, and estatic. I can't seem to calm myself everytime I think of it. Cande is coming Sunday. SUNDAY! I get the jitters everytime I think about it. Just wondering what her reaction will be as she walks down that Terminal.. and I come running and just hug her. :laughs: mmm. It'll be nice.. something that I never imagined would actually happen, after joking about it, and beleiving there was no possible way. But the possible is possible, and now I'm dealing with the fact that I made it happen. It's a nice feeling, really.
The background to my layout makes me want to drink some coffee. Mmmhmm.. sounds oh so good about now.
Courtney