I'm in that mood again. The first in a long time that I can feel it, without someone having to tell me. Everything is just..'nice'..it seems that all the beauty of the world has come and died away. The more talking that goes on around me, the further back I am pushed. I suppose that my attitude this past week has hinted that this mood would be coming. Constant clinging, being able to help myself out of being sad. But its come now, full force...and I feel helpless. Like nothing will ever fix itself, and all my dreams seem to be a thousand..no a million, miles away. Trying to shrug it off makes it worse, and I've never been one to deny how Im feeling. And anyone trying to ask me whats wrong makes me feel so exposed...so..out in the open, vunerable. Like I didnt do enough to conceal my feelings. I hate when people know something is wrong with me. Its the one thing I cannot stand. IM SUPPOSE to help everyone else, and not the other way around. Its been like that for as long back as I can remember. I cant cope with this, but in the end I always do. Im living off one breath, and no one else will share their oxygen with me. I'm left alone, in the darkness. Everything that is touchable, seems not to want to touch me, everything that I can see, does not want to look back. I am a loner, and there is nothing that I can do to change it. Ive been that way as far back as I can remember. In a sense I know that is wrong, but im so selfless that I shove it all away. How can I make everything happen? I cant even tell people about my dreams! It would spoil everything. The only people that know about my life dreams are the farthest away..untouchable..only to talk...to hear..never to see. It hurts more and more everyday. I could wish on every star in the sky, and it seems that it would never happen. I could cry myself a basin of my dreams, and they would only be spilt the door. Different time, different place. No one wants to hear, so the sooner they knock over the basin, the sooner they can get back to the familar. Questions without answers. Oh what is to become of this? How long can one wander without the answers? Ive been doing it for quite sometime now, I must be the jack of all trades, and the master of none by now. A aimless nomad, walking on the water of life. A miracle, yet a misery. I can't explain, and Ive yet to come across more than one who knows what I am saying. Only one person in this whole dying world knows everything. Untouchable whispers. I am in my own suspense.
Courtney