silentlylost's Diaryland Diary

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lover you don't have to love

I'm sitting here alone in this apartment reviewing the last two years of my sins. With the crescendo of things, it's only fair that I reflect and try to figure out where the hell this all went wrong. The blame is thick between us, you could cut it with the knife stuck between my shoulder blades. I don't want to let go of my marriage, but at this point; is it really my choice? I think of the stupid little things of what a separation would do. Desperation creeps over me, a cold sweat. I'm unsure of what move to make next. Dare I take another step? Dare I utter another ultimatum from my lips? Does it even mean anything anymore? It's been years since my adolescent whims of writing to an invisible audience has beckoned me. My mother always tells me I need to write again. As if one of my teenaged idealistic OCD lists would make sense of all this rubble and wreckage. My heart feels as if someone has fired a shotgun through my chest. The sinking feeling only disgusts me further. Should n't I have expected this? Why was there shock and surprise? Together again like my old malevolent foes. I feel like taking a match to burn down this whole marriage. This whole house. With it's fucked up foundation and cracking walls. Nothing stands still anymore. It's all a blur for me. I guess you would say I've never needed therapy more. But how the hell am I supposed to explain this to anyone? The complexities of a two year marriage-- the back and forth and all the blame. Does he like her smile? Is it the way she says his name? Maybe she calls him Johnny instead, or maybe Jon. I'm always the last to know like some pathetic private investigator of a wife. I feel so small and so pitiful. Is it 2014? It feels like 1940. I have less power in this marriage than ever. Not that it was power that I ever sought... just partnership. Now I'm afraid I'm just going to lose it all instead. All because of lies and cheating from a self perpetuating cycle. He lies/cheats-- I act out and treat him like shit. Over and over and over for two and a half years. At least Jonathan is right about one thing. It isn't healthy. It's an unhappy marriage. Finally, some agreement and honesty. He told me he felt more comfortable at work than at home around me. That hurt in a different kind of way. I guess I lash out differently but in the end I always reach for him as my source of familiarity and comfort. No matter how we fight or how mad I am-- he always gives me rubbies at night. Now it makes me wonder if he only does it at this point because I make him. Because it's all that's left. That scares me. This all does. I've never been so uncertain and so afraid. I feel like I'm a doormat and not a person of my word. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't imagine my life without him; yet I'm slowly watching him in the distance while he fantasizes and falls in love with other women. Even if just emotionally. Even if it's not for real. It's real enough for me. And the invisible scars I have aren't proof enough, I suppose. I came back to our apartment to stop avoiding the state of our marriage. To dig in and finally fix with all the gusto and excitability of a newlywed. Now with this blow, I'm unsure if I can even move from the place I've sunk to. What's broken in me now? Surprise, surprise. Another lie and cover up has hurt you. Dust yourself off and stop acting the victim, Courtney. You aren't entitled to any anger or hurt. Because then you're just treating him like shit and he'll just do it to you again, just to spite you-- conscious or unconsciously. And you'll feel this hell all over again.
Backed into a corner with no where to go but out. I don't want out. I never have. I made those vows and those promises. I stood before that alter with our family and friends with a twinkle in my eye and a blush in my cheeks. I meant it. That is irrefutable. So why has it changed so drastically? Or rather, I know the answer. So why do things have the ability to change so drastically when you were so sure you were standing on solid ground. I thought Jonathan was solid. I thought this was solid. Maybe I idealized it too much. Put marriage on a pedal stool. I just didn't want to turn out like my mother and father. Surprise, surprise. Didn't you know life is inevitable? That patterns from your childhood constantly resurface in adulthood? That you're never really free of your parents mistakes?
I have a cheating, lying husband like my mother did and Jonathan has a resentful wife like my father did.
I guess I alone am not immune to history. I hate that I have to track his phone and check his messages and call logs because I don't trust him. It disgusts me most in all this. It makes me feel like some crazy, clingy wife who is desperate enough to think that holding on tighter to her philandering husband will just surely, "solve it all." That's it. I've gone off the deep end. I'm actually considering to just give it one more go. To give it all my effort one last time. And maybe I need to mean that part, this time at least. One more last time. I still love him. I still get turned on by him. He is still my rock. I still miss him at night. I still get jealous when I think someone might be able to love him better.
I can only tell you what it feels like, like a steel knife in my windpipe. High off of love, drunk on hate. When it's bad, it's awful, I feel so ashamed. Are you just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Its alright, because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright, because I like the way you lie. I love the way you lie.
So what is it? Do I love the punishment? Am I a glutton for it? What am I doing over and over to deserve this same gutter trash treatment? I once had a lover tell me that I was a dignified lady, not an easy fuck. And it's strange now, that it sticks with me-- is it true? Am I really just easy to capture and sit in a cage? Like a pretty canary that sings the blues?
He is going to be home soon and he said he would read this. What do I say? What pretty words do I have to spin you a beautiful soliloquy my love? To tell you how am I ravished from all this devastation and have little next to nothing to offer you. You can take my resentments and regrets if you'd like. If you could life them from my shoulders, I'd be so grateful. The pain and hurt I carry I don't want to own. I don't want to touch it.
I want to hear you say, "When you're left with only a bullet, I'll bring the trigger and a promise to pull it. I'll be the end of everyone who has entered your life and taken pieces out of it. I'll give you enough time to regain your composure. To reconstruct a heart that's turn apart from over exposure. I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces and places that played out your tragedy."
Help me. Help me through this. Help my bitterness and anger fade. I can't live like this and baby, I'm sorry, but you did this to me. I can't undo it myself. I just can't. When it comes to matters of the heart, you're the only one who has ever possessed mine. And it's only fair that you try to clean the debris from the mess left behind.
And yes, I have my part to play. I am not disputing that. But I firmly believe that I cannot try until you have. Until we live without lies and cheating. And all that deceit and suspicion. This isn't healthy and I can't do it anymore. I can't have a partner that I constantly question. I can't rely on someone that I doubt. And please believe that I don't want that. Deep down, I want to trust you. I want to have that wide eyed unfailing love for you. The desire and want is there. I've never really expressed it to you but the spark between us isn't dead. Dimmed and very dark, but it isn't gone. I feel it still. And I want you to fight for it. Fight for me. Fight for us. But to do that I need you to give up the lies. To be honest. To say things that you're afraid to say. To really speak your mind. I can't fix things that I don't know. I can't. I just can't. And more than ever I urge you to just speak. Say anything, everything. Even if it's just for shock value. Let me hear someones desperation other than my own for once. Let me hear someone elses anger for once. Let me hear how you hate the lack of passion. The lack of sex. Let me hear how you want my attention. Let me hear all the things you miss. I need to hear you say those things. I need to hear them so I know I am not crazy. That I'm going insane in my own head, thinking I'm the only one who misses the things between us that don't exist anymore.
"If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true? Would you help me understand? I've been in love before and I've found that love was more than just holding hands. If I give my heart, to you... I must be sure from the very start-- that you, would love me more than him. If I trusted you, oh now please don't run and hide. If I love you too, oh please, don't hurt my pride like him. Because I couldn't stand the pain, and I would be sad if I knew love was in vain. So I hope you see, that I would love to love you."
I've been to easily annoyed by my bitterness and anger. I've been so eager to push you away. Maybe that's why we are here now. You initially cheated and lied, so my reaction was to push you away and keep you at a distance. And so you sense the gap between us and search else where for attention. It's a vicious cycle. I understand it. I do. Maybe it's time for me to just stop being angry and really try. Just like you haven't really tried...maybe I haven't either. I've been so caught up in being the victim I've gotten lost in it. I honestly don't know. But this is my attempt to be sincere and honest. I don't want to lose you. I don't. I don't want a divorce. But I REFUSE to be lied to and cheated on. Just like you REFUSE to be treated like shit as a result. So I could get mad and say fuck you. Or I could try. I could really try. But you have to, as well. I refuse. I absolutely REFUSE to try with you still lying and cheating. It's not fair and it's counter productive. I want to try. This is my plea. The rest is your choice. You take your first step.
I have. "Oh why can't I be what you need? A new improved version of me. But I'm nothing so good, no I'm nothing. Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down south. Of violence, of love, and of sorrow. I'd beg for just one more tomorrow. Where you hold me down, fold me in-- deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins. I break in two over you. I break in two as each piece of me dies. And only YOU can give the breath of life, but you don't see me-- you don't. Here I'm pinned between darkness and light. Bleached and blinded by these nights. Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn, by you-- visions of you then you're gone. The shock leads regret from my face when I hear someones taking my place. How love could be so thoughtless, so cruel? When all, all that I did was for you? I break in two over you. I break in two as each piece of me dies. And only you can give the breath of life, but you don't see me-- you don't. I break in two over you. I break in two as each piece of me died. And only you can give the breath of life, but you don't see me, you don't. I break in two over you. Over you. I break in two, I would break in two for you. Now you see me. Now you don't. Now you need me. Now you don't." This is my last attempt. This is everything I haven't said for the last two years. This is the all access pass to my head. And the conversation that comes from you after you read this can be exactly the same. I will remove the anger and be honest. But I only expect the same from you. Because I am not putting myself out here if you're not. I've gotten too injured too many times to be foolish. But despite all logic, here are all my thoughts for you on display. Help me fix this. Because I need passion again. I need something to live for. I need something passionate. I need something that was there when we first got together. Lets stop the pretending a lying. Let's love each other like we did when we met. Because anything less, at this point, is poor class. This is our life. What is your next step? What will you say to me after this? Pause, think, regroup and start. This is the rest of our marriage. Or the end of it. Your choice.

4:17 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 06, 2014

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