It happens to be early morning again, as it usually is every time this part of day comes around. Last night was a success. I realized alot more things then I wish I would have. That would be where I stand with everyone. I let Brant in on this one for awhile but not even that much. I dont like where I stand with the people that I know and love, but I cant change it until I change where I stand with myself. My mum called the therapist and left a message yseterday because no one was there. I caught myself looking at my wrist more and more, enamored that I've been able not to cut for this long. Somedays the scars fade and some days they are as red as ever. They don't hurt anymore like sometimes I wish they did, a slight reminder of things that I shouldn't do. But it's alright I guess. If mom doesn't get me to see someone soon... I don't know how long I can hold off. I mean, everytime I've wanted to cut for awhile now I just tell myself that "Courtney, you're getting help, you don't need to do this." But what help? I asked my mom for help almost two weeks ago. No success. :sighes: And I'm not going to blame this on her, because she never wished something so terrible upon me. Oh I don't know. Lately Ian is becoming more of an annoyance then a friend. He keeps pushing limits. Tickling me, biting me, things he used to do religiously when we went out. And I'm sorry, I dont care if were still friends or not.. you're not stuppose to do that. I guess that would be why I couldn't stop being bitchy towards him. He stepped boundries and I couldn't find my voice to tell him. G-r-o-u-n-d-e-d. Yeah, thats what I am. On a loverly Saturday morning. :closes eyes: God, I wish I had faith in you. I wish I had faith in something. An extra comfort I would love to have about now. But I'm faithless, a damned skeptic... who can recite Catholic Prayers and rules on the drop of a dime. I just dont really know anymore. Faith, love, humility. I just dont.. know. :sighes hard: Well.. I'm out.